The End All Jerk Move

Happy Stupid Human Holiday!

Ah, winter. The time of year when we all sleep 22 hours a day instead of our usual 18. While it's lovely, this doesn't leave us much time for being as jerky as we can be. We still engage in our food stealing fun and running up and down the hall at full speed while the humans are trying to sleep, but other than discovering that the female human gets annoyed when Peach tries to share her pillow (because humans are selfish), we really haven't done anything terribly exciting. So we don't really have much fodder for a newsletter right now. But we do have something important that we wish to discuss with our beautiful, furry friends.

The humans have another stupid, senseless holiday coming up. Something about some saint who defied laws and performed weddings, making people so angry that he was eventually murdered has led to humans celebrating the day of that saint's death. This celebration manifests as expressions of love in the form of pieces of paper with women's butts drawn all over them - the humans pretend that these are hearts, but come on. Have you seen what a human heart looks like? We have, because Tom is spending his two daily waking hours attempting to figure out how to acquire and eat one. These pieces of paper are fun to knock off of the table or the mantel where they are displayed, but lose their appeal almost immediately afterwards. Other common Stupid Human Holiday gifts include fancy meals, chocolates, and plants. While we here at Jerk Tips for Cats tend to advocate eating everything you see, we would like to issue some words of caution regarding Stupid Human Holiday rituals.

Chocolate is toxic to cats. This is extremely unfortunate, because humans always seem to enjoy eating it, and things humans enjoy eating are the best things to steal. However, we strongly encourage our readers to refrain from stealing this particular food. Remember to watch out for any dogs in your household, too. We know, we know, we're not supposed to like the dogs, but you all know you enjoy messing with the dogs and would miss them if anything ever happened to them. Since fancy dinners are also a common ritual for celebrating Stupid Human Holiday, we'd like to take this opportunity to remind you of other foods that can be harmful to cats (and often dogs), and that you should never steal. 

• Milk - Yes, we know the rumors. "Cats love milk!" And we do. It's delicious. It comes out of a cow, for heaven's sake!! But milk can upset feline tummies, and while humans have great reactions when you barf on their prized possessions, it doesn't feel good.
• Onions
• Garlic
• Grapes, raisins, and currants
• Alcohol - Sorry, kittens, this includes the bubbly and fun-looking champagne.
• Bones - They look and smell delicious and have little bits of meat left on them, but small bones or even pieces of larger ones can get caught in our throats and make us choke, or can tear our tummies as we digest.
• Coffee/tea/other items containing caffeine
• Fat trimmings
• Macademia Nuts
• Moldy or Spoiled foods - Remember this in the days following Stupid Human Holiday. When that chicken starts to go bed and gets really smelly, and the humans decide to throw it out, don't steal it from the trash. When food starts to spoil, it releases toxins.
• Mushrooms
• Raw eggs or meat - You know how humans can get really sick from bacteria that might be in raw eggs or raw meat? The same bacteria can make cats just as sick.
• Rhubarb, especially leaves
• Yeast dough

While not food, you should also be careful to never steal tobacco or marijuana from your humans, as these can both be harmful. If your human smokes either substance, do not allow them to pet you until they have washed their hands. You don't want that residue getting in your fur, which you then lick for cleaning yourself. Also remember: string and ribbons used to tie up presents look like fun to play with, but they are not safe to eat. If you play with a ribbon or string and accidentally swallow it, it can get stuck in your belly and make you really sick.

Stupid Human Holiday also involves the giving of plants. While traditional "Valentine's Day" plants are not as dangerous as traditional Christmas plants, we would like to remind you that many plants are dangerous, especially lilies. Even roses, which are delicious, can cause cats to get sick to their stomachs, and those little pointy thorns that just look like wonderful challenges can hurt our mouths, paws, or insides if swallowed. To be safe, just don't eat plants that one silly human gives another.

If you forget that any of these items are dangerous, alert your human. They can call Animal Poison Control at (888) 426-4435 to determine how to best help you. They may have to take you the vet, but it's all part of serving you and keeping you safe. Bonus: they'll feel so sorry for you for having to go to the vet that you'll get all sorts of pets and cuddles!

Stay safe this Stupid Human Holiday and don't forget: just because the food may be dangerous to steal doesn't mean you can't jump up on the table during the humans' romantic dinner and cough up a hairball.

Human Female's Story

Sorry, readers, it's been a busy month! We have not yet had an opportunity to compose our January newsletter. However, we've decided that sharing an old blog post from the female human would amuse you all. This story occurred back in the good old days, when all three of us cats were happily living separately, having the full attention of our humans. Fair warning, the very end does contain some rough language.

Enjoy!

Sadly, the following is a completely true story. There is genuinely no hyperbole involved.

Quick backstory: My dog likes cats. My dog really likes cats. Like, will sit at the door and whine if he hears a cat meowing outside because he wants to bring it inside and cuddle with it. My dog, by the way, is a St. Bernard.

Proper Story:

I came home from work one night, ran upstairs and got my dog to take him out for a walk. As we're coming back up on the entrance of my apartment building, I see a long, skinny as all get-out, pure white cat sitting outside my downstairs neighbor's window. My dog, who we'll call Lenny, because if people get fake names, he can too, runs at this cat. Cat doesn't respond at all. Lenny literally licks the cat's back. Cat doesn't respond at all. And then the most ri-frakkin-diculous thing I've ever seen happened. LENNY PICKED THIS STRANGE CAT UP IN HIS MOUTH. Like a mama cat, by the scruff of the neck. CAT DIDN'T RESPOND AT ALL. My dog has this strange cat slightly off the ground, and the cat is still just chilling, like it's still sitting undisturbed on the ground. After some sharp scolding, Lenny puts the cat down, but starts whining. Not like one sad little whimper. Like, eardrum shattering, devastated whining. If he could say words, they would have been, "But Mom! Kitty! Look at the kitty! Kitty is so skinny! He needs a home! Let's take him home! PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM!" I unlock the door, drag my enormous dog to the door, get him halfway in, and he stops. While he's stopped, with the door propped open by his giant frame, the strange cat ran past his legs and into the building. Flipping brilliant. 

I try to catch the cat, but Lenny is going buck nuts, chasing this cat up and down the halls. Need I remind you, readers, this is still a St. Bernard, crashing down the halls of an apartment building at 12:30 a.m. I decide my best option is to wrangle the dog and get him into my apartment. As I'm running up the stairs with the dog, the cat is running back and forth on the floor beneath mine. Lenny is trying to break away to go play with the cat. I get my apartment door open and shove Lenny inside, as my own cat, Banana, bolts out the door, into the common hallway. So I scream, "Nononononono!" and chase after her. Banana gets to the top of the stairs, and I hear this super loud, long, drawn out "MMMRRRRRRRRRREOOOOOOOOOW!" Banana is terrified and turns around and runs back to me. I grab her, get my apartment door open, block the dog from getting out with my own body, all but chuck Banana inside, and then a white blur streaks between my legs, and into my apartment. Lenny starts jumping up and down, again virtually screaming "Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!" Seriously. Jumping straight up and down. So, White Cat is terrified and makes a beeline for under my sofa. Lenny takes off after him and tries to get under the sofa with White Cat. WC is totally fine with this. "Giant dog? Whatever!" However, Banana is unhappy. She's growling and hissing and approaching WC. I have no idea what the deal is with the random cat and I don't want my cat anywhere near him, fearing he'll bit her and give her some horrible disease. So I jump in between them, which scares WC, who bolts from under the sofa, jumps on my end table and jumps on the back of the sofa, and runs across the back of the sofa. At this point, I grab WC from the back of my sofa, grab my keys and run out the door.

White Cat starts out totally fine with the fact that he's in my arms and being run down the stairs, but around the first landing begins to wig out and start squirming. He jumps from my arms and runs back up the damn stairs! Thus starts Benny Hill, Round Zillion. I run up the stairs, WC freaks out, runs across the hall, and runs down the back stair case. At this point, I'm thinking about just leaving it in the building, but figure my neighbors are already pissed. Then, Lenny starts barking. Loudly. Because, y'know, St. Bernard. Lenny is barking and jumping against the door. WC is scream-meowing in the hall. It's a lovely cacophony of BARKBARKBARKBARK SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! MRRRREOOOOW! BARKBARKBARK! SLAM! MREOW! SLAM! BARK! I recapture WC and successfully get him outside. I get back to my apartment and Lenny and Banana are just chilling on the couch, like nothing ever happened. Right now, Lenny's sleeping on the floor, dream running and Banana is chasing a bottle cap. 

The kicker is, I was on the phone with El Zacho (of http://zachsamazingwebsite.blogspot.com/ fame) the entire time. His experience through this was "Lenny. Lenny! Lenny! NO! Lenny, come on. Come on! Inside! GODDAMMIT, NO! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! Come here! Come here! Get back here! LENNY! Get inside! Get inside! INSIDE! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! NONONONO! NONONONONO! Come back come back come back!" MRRRRRREOOOOOOW! "BANANA! Get in there! No! Stay in there! Fuckity fuck fuck, not you! Get out! Oh God no!" MRRRREOOOOOOW! BARK! BARKBARKBARK! Bang bang bang! HSSSSSSS! 

November 2014

Jerk Tips for Cats!

Jerk Tip of the Month!

Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously, everything. There is nothing that does not belong in your mouth. You are the cat, and everything is for you. The dog's food. The humans' food. The humans' plates/silverware/bags. Hair ties. Pens, especially if your human is foolish enough to try to use them to do things other than play with you. Is your human curled up under a blanket? Grab it in your mouth! Does your human like to knit like our stupid female? Don't just grab the yarn, grab the knitting needle! The angrier your humans get about you eating something, the better job you're doing. Our own Peach was not being given adequate attention the other day while the male human was scraping the hair off of his face (yeah, we don't get it either), so she started licking the bar of soap on the counter. We're divided as to whether the male human was more angry or more concerned, but either way, it was hilarious! We're proud of Peach!

The Crowning Moment of Victory

We have been hearing rumors all of our lives that young humans sometimes go to other people's homes and spend the night. On purpose. They just pack up some clothes, get in a vehicle, and willingly go to another human's house for fun. This is weird! Using a car to be transported anywhere is horrible, and these idiots do it for fun. Others' houses are terrible. As if this isn't weird enough, the oddities continue. Rumor is that when multiple people spend the night, the first person to fall asleep has pranks pulled on them. The rest of the humans put shaving cream in the sleeper's hand and tickle their face, tricking them into smearing shaving cream all over themselves. Somebody draws on the sleeping human's face with a marker - now, we find this personally quite offensive, as a common face doodle is cat whiskers. Like that's something to be ashamed of! Anyway, another common sleepover prank is to place the sleeper's hand in water, which allegedly makes them pee in their sleep.

Well, this morning, the female human left the house while the male human continued to sleep. So we decided it was time to play slumber party. Unfortunately, none of us were able to open the medicine cabinet to get the shaving cream, and none of us are any good at drawing. We couldn't figure out how to carry the bowl of water down the hall. So we decided to fake it. Chief Awesome Hilarious (we have to protect the guilty, you know!) climbed up in bed with the male human and began to pee. On the male human's boxers. When the male human woke up, his boxers were covered in Chief Awesome Hilarious's urine. The panic was hysterical! "Oh, no! What have I done?" Then it changed to realization and fury. "But wait...why do I still have to pee? I have to pee really badly. I couldn't have peed the bed and still have to pee this bad. Wait a minute...CATS!!!!!!!"

Kudos to Chief Awesome Hilarious! 

The Peach Pit

Choose a member of your household. It doesn't matter who or which species you chose. Human, canine, even another cat. Doesn't matter. Just pick one.

You have one in mind? Good. Attack them. Right now. Stop reading and go attack that other member of your household.

Are you back from your attack? Excellent. Go attack them again.

I hope you had a successful second attack. Now continue to attack that fellow household member at random intervals. Don't wait to be provoked. Are you relaxing as the victim walks by? Get 'em! Too close to your food? Get 'em! Are you just not sleepy? Go attack that jerk in your house! I personally have chosen to attack Tom at random. It's more fun than attacking the humans. For one thing, they're bigger than me and can put me in the basement with none of the essentials for living - just dry food, wet food, water, a litter box, toys, cat nip, a big cozy comforter, and dozens of boxes. That's hardly enough to survive on! Plus, the female human gets much more angry when I attack Tom than when I attack her. "Peach! Stop it! He's old and fragile! Peach! Stop it! You're going to break things! Peach! Blah blah blah! Blah blah!" 

Tom's Tails

Our humans have gotten this utterly moronic idea that we are to split one can of food a night between the three of us. Something about we have constant access to dry food and they'd never let us go hungry and similar nonsense. It was a mess when they were giving us each half of a can, but now a third?! Pretty soon, they're only going to give us dry food and canned food is going to become a treat. Unacceptable. 

However, I am the Feline Supreme and therefore am entitled to more canned food than the others. The female human tries to give me my portion last so it'll last longer. With the extra life experience I have, I have learned how to eat more quickly than the others. So, I eat my food quickly and still have enough time to take Banana's food from her. But I never finish her food. I simply encourage her to go away, take a few bites, then do the same to Peach. I would never leave my housemates to starve, I just need to prove my value as Supreme Cat. Taking a bite of everybody's food proves my dominance. Plus, I get more food, so that's a bonus. I highly recommend you all do the same. As long as you're not in my house, that is. If we ever occupy the same space, bow down to Tom Nom Nom.

Banana Babble

Can I just say, I have the best anus ever? I mean, I really do. Sorry if it sounds braggy, but there's some strong empirical evidence. I certainly have the other two cats in this house beat! Cats have inherently fantastic anuses, but mine is a huge point of pride to me. I try and I try and I try to get the humans to acknowledge the greatness, but they never seem to quite get it. So, my advice to all of my feline friends out there is: FLAUNT IT. You know you have a great butthole - it's attached to a cat. So, when your person is on the computer, stand on the keyboard and put your butt in their face. Are they lying on the couch watching TV? Go take a seat...on their face (warning: while hilarious, this may prompt your human to sing a rather lewd song from a Monty Python skit, so use this at your own risk). Reading? Put your butt in their face. Writing? Butt in the face. Eating? DEFINITELY put your butt in their face. Then steal their food. 

We here at Jerk Tips for Cats would like to wish a happy birthday to one of our favorite humans! We love you, despite your fur deficiency!

Newsletter

Jerk Tips for Cats!

Our New Format

After much discussion, we have decided to reformat JTFC again. Some of you may be thinking we need to get our poop in a group and stop changing our minds. Those of you thinking that must realize: we're cats. We are allowed to change our minds as often as we want. It's what we do. 

From hereon out, we'll be presenting our tips and our stories of victory in newsletter format. This will allow us to collaborate and provide the best information possible. Happy reading and best of luck in all of your glorious, furry jerkery!

This Issue's Top Jerk Tip

Develop a distinctive meow; the louder the better. This is especially important for our feline friends who have been forced by their stupid humans to live in a multi-cat household. If your human has decided to split its loyalty among several furry overlords, it is crucial that they be able to immediately recognize which cat is making demands. It would not do in our home, for example, for Banana to scream for food only for Peach to receive dinner first. The more distinctive a meow you have, the better chance you have of your humans, innately stupid as they may be, recognizing you are the cat they should be bowing down to.

The Crowning Moment of Victory

The most spectacular moment of jerkhood was accomplished by our own Tom. Last night, our female was sitting in a living room chair, eating fish and chips while watching television. Tom wanted that fish, and is smart enough to know that, being a cat, he is entitled to anything he wants. He meowed and was not immediately given fish. So he taught the stupid female human a lesson. He jumped into her lap, positioned himself between Human and her plate, and took that piece of beautiful, deep-fried cod directly from her fingers, nearly biting her hand in the process. Well done, Tom! We're proud of you!

The Peach Pit

Hello, my fuzzy brethren. Sadly, it hasn't been a very noteworthy couple of weeks for me. I've pooped on the floor a few times, in a few different rooms. That's always fun. Once, I watched the male human as I pooped in front of him. Perhaps the best of my jerkness in recent weeks has been rediscovering how fun it is to sleep on the female human's face. She has woken up several times with me sleeping on her face, trying to push her head off of her pillow. Psht, like she has more claim to a pillow than me! Even more fun, last night while she was kicked back in her reclining chair, I hopped up and stretched out across her face. Idiot; thinking she can use that stupid computer thing while I am requiring attention and petting. 

Tom's Tails

While the Peach Pit was pretty weak this issue, I have had quite a bit of fun, particularly in messing with the female Human. I am the newest addition to their fuzzy family, and as such the humans are still getting used to bending to my will. When my late first human was around, I was allowed to come and go as I pleased. You may notice that in addition to showing off my long, beautiful tail, my photo shows me outside. Well, these foolish humans adopted me and decided that I'm meant to be inside at all times. Um, sorry, Humans, but no. That isn't how this works. I make the decisions; I make the rules. You just feed me, clean my litter box, pet me when I say so, and most important OPEN THE DOOR WHEN I SAY SO! 

Since the Humans have failed to let me outside upon my command, I've had to take it upon myself to go outside by any means necessary. The male human is less vigilant, so I figured he was my best chance. So while he was letting the dog out one day, I ran between the dog's legs. The female was crushed when she discovered I was gone. After three days, she started posting on her InternetBook thing, asking people to look for me. After five days, she put up posters with my picture at the food stores, vet's offices, and all around the neighborhood. She checked outside constantly, crying, begging me to show myself and come home. Day seven, I got bored and decided to go back inside. I just strolled onto the back porch like nothing ever happened. I not only got to make her miserable while it was still fun, but afterwards I got lots of hugs and pets and even extra food! Talk about your win-win situations!

To be perfectly candid, I do not recommend this method for every cat. I am used to being outside, and I know how to take care of myself. I am also fortunate in that several humans in the area take care of the homeless cats in the neighborhood, so I know where to go for food. One neighbor even leaves his shed open so homeless cats have someplace warm and dry to hang out. I was perfectly safe the whole time and never went hungry. It sure was fun getting a rise out of the female though. She retaliated, however, by not allowing me outside again. So I took her fish.

Banana Babble

Can I just say, dog food is delicious? Because dog food is delicious. I do not understand why the giant mutt always tries to take our food. Dog food is great. And the looks on the humans' faces when they open cans of wet food for us cats first, then I abandon it to eat the dog's can of food? Priceless! The dog doesn't really like it, either, so that's a bonus.

HALF a Can? Screw You!

MC: Female human came home with food for herself. She is smart enough to know she needs to feed us first. However, she and the male human have come up with this stupid idea that we each only get half of a can. HALF of a can. HALF! Well, I showed her. I gulped my half can down, then pushed Banana away from her half can and ate that. Then I shoved Peach away from hers and finished it, too. Then, just to really drive the message home, I stuck my face in her dinner. Half a can. She better not do anything that stupid again, or I'll eat through her refrigerator!

Peach: Yeah, about this eating my food thing...Watch out, jerk. I know where you sleep.

Banana: And don't forget, MC, only one of us has all of their claws. And it ain't you.

Greetings from MC

MC My roommates, Peach and Banana, think they're very clever and secretive when they discuss sharing their Jerk Tips throughout the world. Well, obviously, they're wrong, I wouldn't know how to come here and share my own Jerk Tips with you.

Today, my human - yes, that's right Banana and Peach, my human - came home with some fast food. She plopped down in our chair and turned on this cool sci-fi show we like to watch together. I hopped up in her lap and sat with her while she ate. When she finished eating, I decided to see if there was anything left over in her bag. I stretched my body out so that my back legs stayed in her lap and my front legs went on her table. I felt something cold on my side, and realized it was her soda. That's when I realized I could out-jerk the jerks. I pushed my body into that cup of soda and down it went! I did a real number on it, too. The lid broke in half, ice went flying across the room, the carpet was soaked. It was great. My person had to put me down, get off the phone, run for towels. She was so inconvenienced. It was hilarious.

Banana Oh, we have so much to teach you about being a jerk. So far, you suck at it.