Jerk Tips for Cats!
Our New Format
After much discussion, we have decided to reformat JTFC again. Some of you may be thinking we need to get our poop in a group and stop changing our minds. Those of you thinking that must realize: we're cats. We are allowed to change our minds as often as we want. It's what we do.
From hereon out, we'll be presenting our tips and our stories of victory in newsletter format. This will allow us to collaborate and provide the best information possible. Happy reading and best of luck in all of your glorious, furry jerkery!
This Issue's Top Jerk Tip
Develop a distinctive meow; the louder the better. This is especially important for our feline friends who have been forced by their stupid humans to live in a multi-cat household. If your human has decided to split its loyalty among several furry overlords, it is crucial that they be able to immediately recognize which cat is making demands. It would not do in our home, for example, for Banana to scream for food only for Peach to receive dinner first. The more distinctive a meow you have, the better chance you have of your humans, innately stupid as they may be, recognizing you are the cat they should be bowing down to.
The Crowning Moment of Victory
The most spectacular moment of jerkhood was accomplished by our own Tom. Last night, our female was sitting in a living room chair, eating fish and chips while watching television. Tom wanted that fish, and is smart enough to know that, being a cat, he is entitled to anything he wants. He meowed and was not immediately given fish. So he taught the stupid female human a lesson. He jumped into her lap, positioned himself between Human and her plate, and took that piece of beautiful, deep-fried cod directly from her fingers, nearly biting her hand in the process. Well done, Tom! We're proud of you!
The Peach Pit
Hello, my fuzzy brethren. Sadly, it hasn't been a very noteworthy couple of weeks for me. I've pooped on the floor a few times, in a few different rooms. That's always fun. Once, I watched the male human as I pooped in front of him. Perhaps the best of my jerkness in recent weeks has been rediscovering how fun it is to sleep on the female human's face. She has woken up several times with me sleeping on her face, trying to push her head off of her pillow. Psht, like she has more claim to a pillow than me! Even more fun, last night while she was kicked back in her reclining chair, I hopped up and stretched out across her face. Idiot; thinking she can use that stupid computer thing while I am requiring attention and petting.
Tom's Tails
While the Peach Pit was pretty weak this issue, I have had quite a bit of fun, particularly in messing with the female Human. I am the newest addition to their fuzzy family, and as such the humans are still getting used to bending to my will. When my late first human was around, I was allowed to come and go as I pleased. You may notice that in addition to showing off my long, beautiful tail, my photo shows me outside. Well, these foolish humans adopted me and decided that I'm meant to be inside at all times. Um, sorry, Humans, but no. That isn't how this works. I make the decisions; I make the rules. You just feed me, clean my litter box, pet me when I say so, and most important OPEN THE DOOR WHEN I SAY SO!
Since the Humans have failed to let me outside upon my command, I've had to take it upon myself to go outside by any means necessary. The male human is less vigilant, so I figured he was my best chance. So while he was letting the dog out one day, I ran between the dog's legs. The female was crushed when she discovered I was gone. After three days, she started posting on her InternetBook thing, asking people to look for me. After five days, she put up posters with my picture at the food stores, vet's offices, and all around the neighborhood. She checked outside constantly, crying, begging me to show myself and come home. Day seven, I got bored and decided to go back inside. I just strolled onto the back porch like nothing ever happened. I not only got to make her miserable while it was still fun, but afterwards I got lots of hugs and pets and even extra food! Talk about your win-win situations!
To be perfectly candid, I do not recommend this method for every cat. I am used to being outside, and I know how to take care of myself. I am also fortunate in that several humans in the area take care of the homeless cats in the neighborhood, so I know where to go for food. One neighbor even leaves his shed open so homeless cats have someplace warm and dry to hang out. I was perfectly safe the whole time and never went hungry. It sure was fun getting a rise out of the female though. She retaliated, however, by not allowing me outside again. So I took her fish.
Banana Babble
Can I just say, dog food is delicious? Because dog food is delicious. I do not understand why the giant mutt always tries to take our food. Dog food is great. And the looks on the humans' faces when they open cans of wet food for us cats first, then I abandon it to eat the dog's can of food? Priceless! The dog doesn't really like it, either, so that's a bonus.
