That's My Tail!

Dear Peach,

Oh, I have so much fun here.

My person has a long drive home from work, because she's dumb enough to spend a lot of time in that horrible car. So when she gets home, she frequently bolts for the bathroom. As you, a fellow feline, know, this is completely unacceptable behavior. When the human comes home, the human must immediately pet the cat, pick the cat up for a hug, pet the cat more, pet the cat a few more times, then pet the cat, and feed the cat, before, of course, petting the cat. It's just basic human-feline relations! Well, this ignorant jerk comes in, pets me, then runs down the hall. I'm trying to correct this bad behavior by following her down the hall and forcing her to pet me. That doesn't seem to make her understand. Yesterday, though, I figured out how to get through to her. She came home and, in her usual selfish fashion, barely petted me before heading for the bathroom. I ran after her, scolding her for her neglect of her master. She proceeded to ignore my demands, so I got in between her and the toilet. She had the gall to try and nudge me away with her foot. Nope. Not happening! I stayed put. She dropped her pants. I continued to scold her, but would not move. Then, without so much as running back out of the room to give me food, she sat down on the toilet. Well, I stayed put, between her and that toilet. And that bitch sat on my tail!

By now I'm sure you're wondering how being put second and having my tail sat on is a victory for catkind. Well, my person felt so bad about having sat on my tail, that she gave me those pets which are my birthright. Then when she finished her bizarre form of urination, complete with the making the toilet make that terrible noise and deliberately putting her hands under water, she ran straight to the kitchen and gave me my can of food. When I finished eating, she picked me up, and cuddled me, still feeling badly about sitting on my tail. And the kicker, Peach? It didn't even hurt! Hahahahahahahahahaha. Feline Victorious.

Love, Banana