Thursday, November 20, 2014

November 2014

Jerk Tips for Cats!


Jerk Tip of the Month!

Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously, everything. There is nothing that does not belong in your mouth. You are the cat, and everything is for you. The dog's food. The humans' food. The humans' plates/silverware/bags. Hair ties. Pens, especially if your human is foolish enough to try to use them to do things other than play with you. Is your human curled up under a blanket? Grab it in your mouth! Does your human like to knit like our stupid female? Don't just grab the yarn, grab the knitting needle! The angrier your humans get about you eating something, the better job you're doing. Our own Peach was not being given adequate attention the other day while the male human was scraping the hair off of his face (yeah, we don't get it either), so she started licking the bar of soap on the counter. We're divided as to whether the male human was more angry or more concerned, but either way, it was hilarious! We're proud of Peach!

The Crowning Moment of Victory

We have been hearing rumors all of our lives that young humans sometimes go to other people's homes and spend the night. On purpose. They just pack up some clothes, get in a vehicle, and willingly go to another human's house for fun. This is weird! Using a car to be transported anywhere is horrible, and these idiots do it for fun. Others' houses are terrible. As if this isn't weird enough, the oddities continue. Rumor is that when multiple people spend the night, the first person to fall asleep has pranks pulled on them. The rest of the humans put shaving cream in the sleeper's hand and tickle their face, tricking them into smearing shaving cream all over themselves. Somebody draws on the sleeping human's face with a marker - now, we find this personally quite offensive, as a common face doodle is cat whiskers. Like that's something to be ashamed of! Anyway, another common sleepover prank is to place the sleeper's hand in water, which allegedly makes them pee in their sleep.

Well, this morning, the female human left the house while the male human continued to sleep. So we decided it was time to play slumber party. Unfortunately, none of us were able to open the medicine cabinet to get the shaving cream, and none of us are any good at drawing. We couldn't figure out how to carry the bowl of water down the hall. So we decided to fake it. Chief Awesome Hilarious (we have to protect the guilty, you know!) climbed up in bed with the male human and began to pee. On the male human's boxers. When the male human woke up, his boxers were covered in Chief Awesome Hilarious's urine. The panic was hysterical! "Oh, no! What have I done?" Then it changed to realization and fury. "But wait...why do I still have to pee? I have to pee really badly. I couldn't have peed the bed and still have to pee this bad. Wait a minute...CATS!!!!!!!"

Kudos to Chief Awesome Hilarious! 

The Peach Pit

Choose a member of your household. It doesn't matter who or which species you chose. Human, canine, even another cat. Doesn't matter. Just pick one.

You have one in mind? Good. Attack them. Right now. Stop reading and go attack that other member of your household.

Are you back from your attack? Excellent. Go attack them again.

I hope you had a successful second attack. Now continue to attack that fellow household member at random intervals. Don't wait to be provoked. Are you relaxing as the victim walks by? Get 'em! Too close to your food? Get 'em! Are you just not sleepy? Go attack that jerk in your house! I personally have chosen to attack Tom at random. It's more fun than attacking the humans. For one thing, they're bigger than me and can put me in the basement with none of the essentials for living - just dry food, wet food, water, a litter box, toys, cat nip, a big cozy comforter, and dozens of boxes. That's hardly enough to survive on! Plus, the female human gets much more angry when I attack Tom than when I attack her. "Peach! Stop it! He's old and fragile! Peach! Stop it! You're going to break things! Peach! Blah blah blah! Blah blah!" 

Tom's Tails

Our humans have gotten this utterly moronic idea that we are to split one can of food a night between the three of us. Something about we have constant access to dry food and they'd never let us go hungry and similar nonsense. It was a mess when they were giving us each half of a can, but now a third?! Pretty soon, they're only going to give us dry food and canned food is going to become a treat. Unacceptable. 

However, I am the Feline Supreme and therefore am entitled to more canned food than the others. The female human tries to give me my portion last so it'll last longer. With the extra life experience I have, I have learned how to eat more quickly than the others. So, I eat my food quickly and still have enough time to take Banana's food from her. But I never finish her food. I simply encourage her to go away, take a few bites, then do the same to Peach. I would never leave my housemates to starve, I just need to prove my value as Supreme Cat. Taking a bite of everybody's food proves my dominance. Plus, I get more food, so that's a bonus. I highly recommend you all do the same. As long as you're not in my house, that is. If we ever occupy the same space, bow down to Tom Nom Nom.

Banana Babble

Can I just say, I have the best anus ever? I mean, I really do. Sorry if it sounds braggy, but there's some strong empirical evidence. I certainly have the other two cats in this house beat! Cats have inherently fantastic anuses, but mine is a huge point of pride to me. I try and I try and I try to get the humans to acknowledge the greatness, but they never seem to quite get it. So, my advice to all of my feline friends out there is: FLAUNT IT. You know you have a great butthole - it's attached to a cat. So, when your person is on the computer, stand on the keyboard and put your butt in their face. Are they lying on the couch watching TV? Go take a seat...on their face (warning: while hilarious, this may prompt your human to sing a rather lewd song from a Monty Python skit, so use this at your own risk). Reading? Put your butt in their face. Writing? Butt in the face. Eating? DEFINITELY put your butt in their face. Then steal their food. 

We here at Jerk Tips for Cats would like to wish a happy birthday to one of our favorite humans! We love you, despite your fur deficiency!