November 2014

Jerk Tips for Cats!

Jerk Tip of the Month!

Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously, everything. There is nothing that does not belong in your mouth. You are the cat, and everything is for you. The dog's food. The humans' food. The humans' plates/silverware/bags. Hair ties. Pens, especially if your human is foolish enough to try to use them to do things other than play with you. Is your human curled up under a blanket? Grab it in your mouth! Does your human like to knit like our stupid female? Don't just grab the yarn, grab the knitting needle! The angrier your humans get about you eating something, the better job you're doing. Our own Peach was not being given adequate attention the other day while the male human was scraping the hair off of his face (yeah, we don't get it either), so she started licking the bar of soap on the counter. We're divided as to whether the male human was more angry or more concerned, but either way, it was hilarious! We're proud of Peach!

The Crowning Moment of Victory

We have been hearing rumors all of our lives that young humans sometimes go to other people's homes and spend the night. On purpose. They just pack up some clothes, get in a vehicle, and willingly go to another human's house for fun. This is weird! Using a car to be transported anywhere is horrible, and these idiots do it for fun. Others' houses are terrible. As if this isn't weird enough, the oddities continue. Rumor is that when multiple people spend the night, the first person to fall asleep has pranks pulled on them. The rest of the humans put shaving cream in the sleeper's hand and tickle their face, tricking them into smearing shaving cream all over themselves. Somebody draws on the sleeping human's face with a marker - now, we find this personally quite offensive, as a common face doodle is cat whiskers. Like that's something to be ashamed of! Anyway, another common sleepover prank is to place the sleeper's hand in water, which allegedly makes them pee in their sleep.

Well, this morning, the female human left the house while the male human continued to sleep. So we decided it was time to play slumber party. Unfortunately, none of us were able to open the medicine cabinet to get the shaving cream, and none of us are any good at drawing. We couldn't figure out how to carry the bowl of water down the hall. So we decided to fake it. Chief Awesome Hilarious (we have to protect the guilty, you know!) climbed up in bed with the male human and began to pee. On the male human's boxers. When the male human woke up, his boxers were covered in Chief Awesome Hilarious's urine. The panic was hysterical! "Oh, no! What have I done?" Then it changed to realization and fury. "But wait...why do I still have to pee? I have to pee really badly. I couldn't have peed the bed and still have to pee this bad. Wait a minute...CATS!!!!!!!"

Kudos to Chief Awesome Hilarious! 

The Peach Pit

Choose a member of your household. It doesn't matter who or which species you chose. Human, canine, even another cat. Doesn't matter. Just pick one.

You have one in mind? Good. Attack them. Right now. Stop reading and go attack that other member of your household.

Are you back from your attack? Excellent. Go attack them again.

I hope you had a successful second attack. Now continue to attack that fellow household member at random intervals. Don't wait to be provoked. Are you relaxing as the victim walks by? Get 'em! Too close to your food? Get 'em! Are you just not sleepy? Go attack that jerk in your house! I personally have chosen to attack Tom at random. It's more fun than attacking the humans. For one thing, they're bigger than me and can put me in the basement with none of the essentials for living - just dry food, wet food, water, a litter box, toys, cat nip, a big cozy comforter, and dozens of boxes. That's hardly enough to survive on! Plus, the female human gets much more angry when I attack Tom than when I attack her. "Peach! Stop it! He's old and fragile! Peach! Stop it! You're going to break things! Peach! Blah blah blah! Blah blah!" 

Tom's Tails

Our humans have gotten this utterly moronic idea that we are to split one can of food a night between the three of us. Something about we have constant access to dry food and they'd never let us go hungry and similar nonsense. It was a mess when they were giving us each half of a can, but now a third?! Pretty soon, they're only going to give us dry food and canned food is going to become a treat. Unacceptable. 

However, I am the Feline Supreme and therefore am entitled to more canned food than the others. The female human tries to give me my portion last so it'll last longer. With the extra life experience I have, I have learned how to eat more quickly than the others. So, I eat my food quickly and still have enough time to take Banana's food from her. But I never finish her food. I simply encourage her to go away, take a few bites, then do the same to Peach. I would never leave my housemates to starve, I just need to prove my value as Supreme Cat. Taking a bite of everybody's food proves my dominance. Plus, I get more food, so that's a bonus. I highly recommend you all do the same. As long as you're not in my house, that is. If we ever occupy the same space, bow down to Tom Nom Nom.

Banana Babble

Can I just say, I have the best anus ever? I mean, I really do. Sorry if it sounds braggy, but there's some strong empirical evidence. I certainly have the other two cats in this house beat! Cats have inherently fantastic anuses, but mine is a huge point of pride to me. I try and I try and I try to get the humans to acknowledge the greatness, but they never seem to quite get it. So, my advice to all of my feline friends out there is: FLAUNT IT. You know you have a great butthole - it's attached to a cat. So, when your person is on the computer, stand on the keyboard and put your butt in their face. Are they lying on the couch watching TV? Go take a seat...on their face (warning: while hilarious, this may prompt your human to sing a rather lewd song from a Monty Python skit, so use this at your own risk). Reading? Put your butt in their face. Writing? Butt in the face. Eating? DEFINITELY put your butt in their face. Then steal their food. 

We here at Jerk Tips for Cats would like to wish a happy birthday to one of our favorite humans! We love you, despite your fur deficiency!

Newsletter

Jerk Tips for Cats!

Our New Format

After much discussion, we have decided to reformat JTFC again. Some of you may be thinking we need to get our poop in a group and stop changing our minds. Those of you thinking that must realize: we're cats. We are allowed to change our minds as often as we want. It's what we do. 

From hereon out, we'll be presenting our tips and our stories of victory in newsletter format. This will allow us to collaborate and provide the best information possible. Happy reading and best of luck in all of your glorious, furry jerkery!

This Issue's Top Jerk Tip

Develop a distinctive meow; the louder the better. This is especially important for our feline friends who have been forced by their stupid humans to live in a multi-cat household. If your human has decided to split its loyalty among several furry overlords, it is crucial that they be able to immediately recognize which cat is making demands. It would not do in our home, for example, for Banana to scream for food only for Peach to receive dinner first. The more distinctive a meow you have, the better chance you have of your humans, innately stupid as they may be, recognizing you are the cat they should be bowing down to.

The Crowning Moment of Victory

The most spectacular moment of jerkhood was accomplished by our own Tom. Last night, our female was sitting in a living room chair, eating fish and chips while watching television. Tom wanted that fish, and is smart enough to know that, being a cat, he is entitled to anything he wants. He meowed and was not immediately given fish. So he taught the stupid female human a lesson. He jumped into her lap, positioned himself between Human and her plate, and took that piece of beautiful, deep-fried cod directly from her fingers, nearly biting her hand in the process. Well done, Tom! We're proud of you!

The Peach Pit

Hello, my fuzzy brethren. Sadly, it hasn't been a very noteworthy couple of weeks for me. I've pooped on the floor a few times, in a few different rooms. That's always fun. Once, I watched the male human as I pooped in front of him. Perhaps the best of my jerkness in recent weeks has been rediscovering how fun it is to sleep on the female human's face. She has woken up several times with me sleeping on her face, trying to push her head off of her pillow. Psht, like she has more claim to a pillow than me! Even more fun, last night while she was kicked back in her reclining chair, I hopped up and stretched out across her face. Idiot; thinking she can use that stupid computer thing while I am requiring attention and petting. 

Tom's Tails

While the Peach Pit was pretty weak this issue, I have had quite a bit of fun, particularly in messing with the female Human. I am the newest addition to their fuzzy family, and as such the humans are still getting used to bending to my will. When my late first human was around, I was allowed to come and go as I pleased. You may notice that in addition to showing off my long, beautiful tail, my photo shows me outside. Well, these foolish humans adopted me and decided that I'm meant to be inside at all times. Um, sorry, Humans, but no. That isn't how this works. I make the decisions; I make the rules. You just feed me, clean my litter box, pet me when I say so, and most important OPEN THE DOOR WHEN I SAY SO! 

Since the Humans have failed to let me outside upon my command, I've had to take it upon myself to go outside by any means necessary. The male human is less vigilant, so I figured he was my best chance. So while he was letting the dog out one day, I ran between the dog's legs. The female was crushed when she discovered I was gone. After three days, she started posting on her InternetBook thing, asking people to look for me. After five days, she put up posters with my picture at the food stores, vet's offices, and all around the neighborhood. She checked outside constantly, crying, begging me to show myself and come home. Day seven, I got bored and decided to go back inside. I just strolled onto the back porch like nothing ever happened. I not only got to make her miserable while it was still fun, but afterwards I got lots of hugs and pets and even extra food! Talk about your win-win situations!

To be perfectly candid, I do not recommend this method for every cat. I am used to being outside, and I know how to take care of myself. I am also fortunate in that several humans in the area take care of the homeless cats in the neighborhood, so I know where to go for food. One neighbor even leaves his shed open so homeless cats have someplace warm and dry to hang out. I was perfectly safe the whole time and never went hungry. It sure was fun getting a rise out of the female though. She retaliated, however, by not allowing me outside again. So I took her fish.

Banana Babble

Can I just say, dog food is delicious? Because dog food is delicious. I do not understand why the giant mutt always tries to take our food. Dog food is great. And the looks on the humans' faces when they open cans of wet food for us cats first, then I abandon it to eat the dog's can of food? Priceless! The dog doesn't really like it, either, so that's a bonus.

HALF a Can? Screw You!

MC: Female human came home with food for herself. She is smart enough to know she needs to feed us first. However, she and the male human have come up with this stupid idea that we each only get half of a can. HALF of a can. HALF! Well, I showed her. I gulped my half can down, then pushed Banana away from her half can and ate that. Then I shoved Peach away from hers and finished it, too. Then, just to really drive the message home, I stuck my face in her dinner. Half a can. She better not do anything that stupid again, or I'll eat through her refrigerator!

Peach: Yeah, about this eating my food thing...Watch out, jerk. I know where you sleep.

Banana: And don't forget, MC, only one of us has all of their claws. And it ain't you.

Greetings from MC

MC My roommates, Peach and Banana, think they're very clever and secretive when they discuss sharing their Jerk Tips throughout the world. Well, obviously, they're wrong, I wouldn't know how to come here and share my own Jerk Tips with you.

Today, my human - yes, that's right Banana and Peach, my human - came home with some fast food. She plopped down in our chair and turned on this cool sci-fi show we like to watch together. I hopped up in her lap and sat with her while she ate. When she finished eating, I decided to see if there was anything left over in her bag. I stretched my body out so that my back legs stayed in her lap and my front legs went on her table. I felt something cold on my side, and realized it was her soda. That's when I realized I could out-jerk the jerks. I pushed my body into that cup of soda and down it went! I did a real number on it, too. The lid broke in half, ice went flying across the room, the carpet was soaked. It was great. My person had to put me down, get off the phone, run for towels. She was so inconvenienced. It was hilarious.

Banana Oh, we have so much to teach you about being a jerk. So far, you suck at it.

Format Change

Greetings, loyal readers! Banana and Peach here. Due to a frustrating change in our living situation, it no longer makes sense for us to communicate through letters. So, in between fighting, attacking each other, eating food, breaking heirlooms, and keeping our humans awake, we discussed at length how we should continue to share our jerk tips with the world. Then our terrible new roommate, this obnoxious guy in a tuxedo our female human dotes on constantly, made a suggestion: Message board! So, apparently he is good for something. On that note, let the messages begin!

Peach I recently got this new roommate; another cat, MC. He sucks. He thinks he sooooo cute and so sweet. And he has my people totally fooled. I'll go into the living room for a cuddle, and this punk MC will already be in my woman's lap. I'll go to sneak into bed with my people to demand they get up and give me attention, MC's already there, snuggled in between them. Like I said, he sucks. So the other night, I had a great idea. I wanted to have a snuggle with my people, so I went to them. They were both in the office and there was that stupid MC, just sitting in the room with them! I went into the room with them, walked past MC, and lay down. Then, without giving him any warning or even announcing my presence to him, I bit his tail. The yowl he gave was hilarious! And even better, he ran out of the room. Hahaha, what a chump.

The Soft Underbelly

Hey, Banana,

I see you over there. I see you. I'm just biding my time. You just hiss and snarl at me all you want. I'll get you in the end.

Sincerely,

Peach

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Dumb Peach,

No, you won't.

Sincerely, Banana

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Oh, Banana. Silly, silly Banana. You think turning your back and strutting out of the room will save you from my wrath? All you're doing is leaving yourself exposed. That's right....keep walking...keep walking...aaaaannnnndddd....NOW! CHARGE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God damn, you're dumb, Peach. Your response to me turning around and smacking you with my claws out is to flop over on your back? I'm ready to rip you open, and you expose your soft underbelly to me?? Really? You suck at catting. You're hardly a jerk at all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh yeah? I'll show you who's not a jerk!

Mwahahahaha.

Bow to your Queen. Peach isn't a Princess anymore!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

....Touché

Roommates

Roommates: A JTfC Play

Banana: Screw you!

Peach: No, screw you!

Banana: Cram it, you ginger whore!

Peach: Your mother's a ginger whore!

Banana: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Peach: Hiss!!!!

Female Human: Cats! Dinner!

Banana and Peach, in unison: CEASE FIRE!!!!

All goes well as the cats eat...until Peach looks at Banana...

Banana: Oi! Screw you!

Peach: Fatty!

Banana: Clawless wussbag!

Peach: Oh, yeah?! What are you gonna do about it?

Banana (extending claws): MROW!

Peach: Yuh-oh!

Peach flees.

Abu Dhabi

"Dear" Banana,

I was just snuggled up with my human, watching this old cartoon show about cats. It's called "Garfield and Friends." It was great. There was this awesome orange cat who got all of the love and food he could want. That awesome orange cat then got a visit from this horrible little jerky grey cat. The awesome cat was trying to enjoy his life, sleeping and eating. And the horrible grey cat kept popping up, being loud and obnoxious and irritating and disrupting the awesome cat's sleep. Then the awesome cat had a brilliant idea: He put the irritating grey cat in a box and shipped that horrible cat to Abu Dhabi.

I'm not relaying a story to you. Oh, no. I'm telling you that you better start learning Arabic!!

Looking forward to rooming with you :-D

Love, Peach

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Dear Peach,

Lalalala. I can't hear you! I'm busy being doted on by my human! I got a can of food, then a big hug, then lots of pets, then toys to play with, and now I'm in a lap. In fact, I'm rubbing my face all over her face right now. You ever notice all of that film on her glasses? That's my saliva, from rubbing the corner of my mouth on her glasses. And you know what I'm going to do when I live with both of our people? I'm going to get all of the pets and hugs, because your person always tells me how much softer my fur is than yours. 

Also, the dog is on my side. And I'd love to see how you plan on taping up a box with no thumbs!

Love, Banana

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Banana,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just got in the litter box, but angled just right so I peed all over the floor! Hahaha, it was awesome!

Wait a minute. I'm still mad at you for being another cat trying to be in my space! Hiss!

Peach

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Peach,

You know what's extra fun? Kick all of the litter out of your box. That way, it's an even bigger mess, and it'll take your person longer to realize it's urine on the floor. Haha, people are chumps.

Also: Rrrrawwwwrrr!

Banana

Ankle Braces are Tasty!

Dear Peach,

So, my human has gotten over this trying to balance on two sticks while walking nonsense. She's still using one, but it's not quite as stupid. However, there has been an awesome development! She got rid of that terrible, hard purple thing on her leg. Now she has this delightful, soft thing that has laces! Laces! Like on shoes! Peach, it is so much fun! She tries to get dressed to go to that dumb work place (Yeah, I thought I had finally convinced her to knock off that stupid hobby and just spend all of her time with me, too!), sits down on the couch to put this new toy on her ankle. It's the best game ever! I really like grabbing the laces as she tries to put the toy on her ankle. Great fun; I highly recommend it.

Enjoy!

Love, Banana

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Banana,

Hahaha! Your person was over this weekend and I did have a chance to chew on that toy! You're right, it's great! I think you probably do better at conquering it because you have claws and I don't, but I loved it.

My person has been doing this crazy thing lately. He keeps bringing home empty cardboard boxes. At first, that was great. I got to play fort all the time! But now he's putting all of his stuff in these boxes. It's neat having extra shelf space to play on, but I'm really confused by it.

Whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Oooh, they're going to bed! I have to prepare for my favorite activity! Licking my person's arm as he's trying to fall asleep, then climbing over your person and stealing her pillow. Mwahahaha.

Love,

Peach

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Dear Peach,

My person is doing that silliness with boxes too. I don't think I like this...

Love,

Banana

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Banana,

WHAT THE DAMN HELL DO THEY MEAN WE'RE GOING TO BE ROOMMATES?!

I Made You a Picture!

Dear Peach,

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Love,

Banana

Cat Versus Scooty Puff, Jr.

Dear Peach,

Well, my person is home. She's no longer balancing on sticks, but instead is on the weird scooter type thing that she rests her knee on. She was calling it a Roll-about at first, but now she and your human have started calling it Scooty Puff, Junior. I don't get it. They're weird.

Anyway, when she first got home, I immediately ran to her, because I needed to see that she was okay. I took good care of her for the first day, not leaving her side. That got really boring, really fast. I don't know how you took care of her for as long as you did! I've found a new game that I'm rather enjoying. She gets on this scooter and tries to move around. I run in front of her and then I stop. It's hilarious! She's so much bigger than me. Her scooter could crush me. But she loves me so much that she'll just stop and wait instead of risk getting too close to me! It's great.

Even more fun, it's really difficult for her to get up. So, I wait until she's trying to get up, then I run towards her, appearing like magic, and leap on top of her. I curl up on her chest and be as cute and sweet as I can be. It usually works. She usually settles back down and pets me for a little bit. It's a great game! I inconvenience her AND I get some extra snuggles. It's the best.

Well, I'm going to go resume taking advantage of her being here for several weeks non-stop. I'm pretty sure she's about to try to get up to use the bathroom, so I'm going to go jump in her lap and purr.

Love,



Banana

Kiwi

Hello, Banana and Peach,

Banana's person came over to my house tonight, and I figured out your clever little plan and method of communicating. So I thought I'd tell you about the fun I had with Banana's person tonight.

She came into my house on this weird scooter type thing. The lower part of her left leg is all bandaged up in something weird and hard. She kept whining in pain and saying things to my person, who she calls "Mom," about having some sort of surgery on her ankle. Then she went into the room where my person watches TV and lay down in the bed.

That fool then thought she could get me to come to her. She called to me, she patted the bed by her, all sorts of foolishness. I ignored her completely. Then my person came into the room and sat in a chair near the bed. Banana's stupid person kept trying to get my attention and trying to get me to come to her. Haha, no way, chump. My person sat down and I ran to her. I rubbed my face on my person's hand, then on her other hand. Then I climbed into her lap, then put my paws on her shoulder and rubbed my face on her face. My person knew how badly Banana's person needed a cat, so she kept picking me up an setting me down near the crippled chump. Chump would reach out to pet to me, and I'd turn my back on her and go back to my person. Haha, stupid girl. Thinking she deserves the affection of a cat.

Anyway, I'm going to go chase my person around and attack her feet while she tries to go to the bathroom. I hope the two of you have fun messing with the chump.

Later,

Kiwi

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Kiwi,

Wow. That's not cool. We like to mess with our people, but it's always in a loving way. Even if our people dare to forget for a moment that we're the most important beings in the universe, they still feed and pet us and play with us. We love our people.

Banana's person is hurting after surgery. I know, because I've been listening to her crying out in pain, and watching how hard it is for her to move around. You know just as well as any cat how important the presence of a cat is to the healing process. That's why we purr. We don't just purr when we're happy. We purr when we need to heal ourselves, and we purr when we need to heal those around us.

Banana's person hasn't been able to go home because she has so many stairs. I haven't left her side in days, because she needs a kitty. I slept in the bed between her and my person last night, right on the pillow next to her head. We took a nice, long nap together on the couch tonight. She misses Banana very much and I know she wants to go be with her.

Kiwi, your person came over to pick up Banana's person last night. I've met her before and I like her. But since it's important to a cat's sense of felinity to be a jerk, I hissed at your person. I rolled onto my back to invite your person to pet my tummy, then promptly bit her. But you don't mess with an injured person who needs a kitty. That's important to our sense of cathood too. Banana and I will resume messing with Banana's person as soon as she's up for it. You being a jerk to her was just uncalled for.

Banana, we've got several weeks to plot the best jerky plots ever. We'll take good care of your person until she's ready to endure our games again. And then, oh, the fun we'll have...

Enjoy the quality time with your person once she gets home. I know she's looking forward to spending some time with you.

Love,

Peach

Fur Sandwich

Dear Banana,

Clearly we've been failing in our overlord status. My human has these silly ideas about me not being top priority lately, too. For instance, today when he got up, he only let me sit in his lap for about 20 minutes before getting up and trying to do other things. The worst was when he went into the kitchen to pack a lunch to take to work with him.

First of all, this "work" idea is bad enough. Leaving the kitty alone in the house for about 10 hours? Unacceptable. And the amount of time he spends getting ready to leave me alone for 10 hours is just absurd. First he takes a shower. Then he puts clothes on. Then he packs lunch. Then he gets his mini computer thingy. NONE of this involves playing with me. All unacceptable.

So, he dared to go attempt to pack lunch instead of playing with me. I jumped up on the counter to show in the error of his ways. And he put me on the floor. Then, it was on. Full out warfare. I jumped back on the counter. I started batting around the twist tie that keeps the bag his bread comes in closed. He took it away from me, babbling something about needing to not lose it. So I tried to push his jar of peppers off the counter. He caught them and yelled at me, and put me on the floor again. Obviously, that didn't last long, since I had a lesson to teach him. I jumped back on the counter and in one swift motion, knocked his knife on the floor. When he bent over to pick it up, I shook as hard as I could. There was a beautiful explosion of fur, some landing right in the mustard he'd put on that sandwich. Unfortunately, he realized there was fur in his sandwich, picked me up, put me in the bedroom, and closed the door. I'm pretty sure he made a new sandwich. But I jumped up on the dresser and knocked everything off the top of it, so I'm fairly certain he won't make that stupid mistake again.

Obviously, we need to step up our game. The humans are becoming disrespectful. Let's brainstorm.

Love, Peach

That's My Tail!

Dear Peach,

Oh, I have so much fun here.

My person has a long drive home from work, because she's dumb enough to spend a lot of time in that horrible car. So when she gets home, she frequently bolts for the bathroom. As you, a fellow feline, know, this is completely unacceptable behavior. When the human comes home, the human must immediately pet the cat, pick the cat up for a hug, pet the cat more, pet the cat a few more times, then pet the cat, and feed the cat, before, of course, petting the cat. It's just basic human-feline relations! Well, this ignorant jerk comes in, pets me, then runs down the hall. I'm trying to correct this bad behavior by following her down the hall and forcing her to pet me. That doesn't seem to make her understand. Yesterday, though, I figured out how to get through to her. She came home and, in her usual selfish fashion, barely petted me before heading for the bathroom. I ran after her, scolding her for her neglect of her master. She proceeded to ignore my demands, so I got in between her and the toilet. She had the gall to try and nudge me away with her foot. Nope. Not happening! I stayed put. She dropped her pants. I continued to scold her, but would not move. Then, without so much as running back out of the room to give me food, she sat down on the toilet. Well, I stayed put, between her and that toilet. And that bitch sat on my tail!

By now I'm sure you're wondering how being put second and having my tail sat on is a victory for catkind. Well, my person felt so bad about having sat on my tail, that she gave me those pets which are my birthright. Then when she finished her bizarre form of urination, complete with the making the toilet make that terrible noise and deliberately putting her hands under water, she ran straight to the kitchen and gave me my can of food. When I finished eating, she picked me up, and cuddled me, still feeling badly about sitting on my tail. And the kicker, Peach? It didn't even hurt! Hahahahahahahahahaha. Feline Victorious.

Love, Banana

Bath Time Fun!

Dear Banana,

Today, our humans were doing that stupid thing they do where they voluntarily get wet and pretend like it'll get them as clean as our spit. Dumb. Anyway, I decided it would be fun to mess with them. I went into the bathroom and started meowing, so that they'd look at me. Then I jumped up on top of my litter box and just sat. When they stopped paying attention, I stepped across onto the shelf where my person keeps the clean towels, and snuggled down in the clean towels. My person was mad. He was like "Peach! C'mon! I just washed those and you jumped right from the litter box onto my clean towels! Arg! You jerk!" So at least my efforts are being noticed.

I decided, however, that I hadn't had enough fun yet. So while your person was being stupid and deliberately putting herself in the line of water, I walked behind the big soft curtain that falls on the outside of the bathtub. Then I jumped up on the edge of the tub, which was safe because the stiffer, clear plastic curtain that falls inside the tub was protecting me from getting wet. My person thought it was silly, but your person laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall over. Unfortunately she didn't. Next time, though....

Love,



Peach

I'll Get that Mouse and When I Do...

Dear Banana,

My human did something weird. He bought a new computer and hooked it up to his TV. The same TV we're supposed to watch movies on. It took me a few days to think of the best way to use this to my advantage, but I finally got it!

The cursor for the mouse now shows up on that TV. I didn't understand what it was at first, and I was curious, so I tried to catch it. Then my human got really mad. He thought I was going to knock the TV over or hurt the screen. So he yelled.

I'm going to have a lot of fun with this one. If I do knock the TV over, I think it should be worth at least 500 Jerk Points!

Love,

Peach

If It Takes the Shape of its Container, It's Liquid

Dear Banana,

How's your Person Bowling going? Have you knocked those sticks our from under her yet? Hahaha.

I was just playing a great game with your person. She was trying to put ice in a glass. I was curious about it, so I stuck my face in the glass to lick the ice cube. My person got mad and pushed me away, so I knew I was on to something. So I did it again. The ice was cold and unpleasant, but it was worthwhile because of how mad it made my person. Then she poured some soda in that glass. I plunged my face right in. I got bubbles up my nose and my face got wet, but the look on his face was priceless! I highly recommend you try this as soon as possible.

Good luck with people bowling!

Love,

Peach

An Idiot on Sticks

Dear Peach,

For some reason, my human came home tonight with these weird sticks that she was using to swing her body on. She seems to refuse to touch the ground with her left foot. I don't get it. However, I do see MANY opportunities for fun...

I think I'm going to start with screaming randomly as she moves around. I'll see if I can trick her into thinking she put one of those sticks on me. Hahaha. Then I'll charge at the sticks and see if I knock her off them. Oh, and the obstacle courses I can build! The dog is with my person's mom right now, but he still has a bunch of tennis balls here. I bet I can put those all over the floor! And I haven't made a good yarn maze in a while. This is going to be so much fun!

I'll keep you posted!

Love,

Banana

Your Balls Are Mine

Dear Peach,

I just heard the best story.

Before I was born, my person had a cat named Goose. I've heard stories about Goose before and was already a fan. He lived a long, happy life. He was 18 years old when he did pass in his sleep, snuggling in the bed with my person. From everything I've heard, it sounds like he had a great life and was delightfully spoiled.

One story in particular was just great. My person had had Goose for quite some time when she had that horrible idea to bring home that dog. Goose was not a fan of the dog. He was very standoffish and always managed to get all of my person's attention, as a cat should.

Since the dog has always been jealous of how great cats are and clearly wants to be one, he's always wanted to play with cats. Well, one day, the dog took his tennis ball to Goose and dropped it, trying to get Goose to play with him. Apparently, Goose just wasn't having that. He stood up, took a step forward, and then lay back down...with the ball concealed under his tummy. The dog whined, but Goose would not get up and let the dog have that ball back. Then my person made a mistake and sided with the dog instead of the correct party. She picked Goose up, gave him a big hug and a kiss, assured him he would always be extremely precious to her, all of which was right. Then, the wrong thing was: She gave the dog his ball back!

Hearing this story about Goose stealing the dog's ball has made up my mind once and for all: That cat is my hero. I now understand why my person keeps a framed photo of him in the living room. I'm sad I never got to meet him. I could have learned a lot from him.

Rest in Peace, Goose. I know my person loves and misses you every day.

Love,

Banana

Licking Wounds

Dear Banana,

You know how sometimes you get hurt and the only way to take care of the hurt spot is to lick it? Well, I've discovered that my person does not like when I lick his wounds. In fact, he gets really upset. He yelled like it hurt or something, then put me on the floor.

Challenge accepted. I'm going to go at that wound like a deer on a salt lick.

Love,

Peach

Ghost Cat!

Dear Peach (and Any Interlopers),

I was recently reminded of an hilarious story from some years back. My person and I were living in a house with a window in the bathroom, instead of this apartment. That bathroom was pretty cool. It had a great windowsill, next to and slightly above the toilet. It had a closet that opened into the hallway. The hallways side had these accordion fold doors, but inside the bathroom the door was just hung with simple hinges and it didn't latch, so it was really easy to open.

One day, my person had some friends over for dinner. I was just minding my own business, hanging out in my favorite windowsill, when one her friends had the gall to come into my bathroom. While I was chilling in my windowsill! I was hoping she was lost and just went into the wrong room, but no. She turned on the light, closed the door, and even sat down on the toilet! Well, that was far too much for me. I figured it was best to not only leave, but to teach that woman a lesson on my way out of the room. So, instead of jumping straight down the floor, I jumped on her shoulder, walked across her back, and then hopped down on the floor. Because she had closed the door, I decided to go out through the closet. It was slightly open, so I didn't have to bat it open. I just walked into it, and walked out through the door in the hallway, and off to my favorite secret hiding place. A minute later, I heard the strange girl screaming, "Roz, this cat just jumped out of the window onto my back, then disappeared into the closet! I think you have a ghost cat!"

Hahahahaha, what a chump.

Love,
Banana

Guest Contributer: Watermelon

Dear Banana and Peach,

Banana's person came over to my house today, and I hopped in her computer bag. It's just so appealing! I picked up your messages, and I have a story to share that I think you'll both enjoy.

I'm a big cat. I weigh about 20 pounds. I'm solid and I'm hard to move. This provides me the opportunity to play some great games. One of my favorite is trapping my person in bed. My dog, Pumpkin, will sleep on one side of our person, and I'll sleep on the other. We pin her down with her own blankets, hahaha. It's easier for her to move the dog than me, so I get a double-victory. I've trapped her and get the dog kicked out of the bed!

Probably my all time favorite game, though, is one I like to call soccer ball. As my person walks down the hall, I run up from behind her, get just in front of her, and then quickly turn sideways, so her foot collides with me. Sure it hurts a little bit, but it's hilarious and well worth it! Sometimes when I'm bored, I do this to her several times in a row, and she nudges me like a person dribbling a soccer ball. She gets frustrated and sometimes she even stumbles! I haven't made her actually fall yet, but some day, I think I'l manage.

Both of these are fun games, and I recommend playing them any time you get a chance.

Hope you don't mind my contribution.

Sincerely,

Watermelon

Static Electricity is Cool

Dear Banana,

I've discovered the neatest thing ever! Static electricity. Wait until the house is really dry, then go rub up against your person. It makes a loud cracking noise, and my person gets really annoyed by it. It's fun.

Love,

Peach

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Dear Peach,

Ah, yes. Static electricity is a great toy. My favorite use of it is when my person is just drifting off to sleep. I hop up on the bed with her, and rub my face against her face. Crack! Augh! Hahahahahaha, it's great fun!

Love,

Banana

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Dear Banana,

Curses! My experiments with static electricity have been foiled. My jerk person went to his laundry room, got a dryer sheet, and petted me with it. It took all of the static away. I'm kind of sad now. I'll be busy plotting my next move...

Love,

Peach

If I Fits, I Shits!

Dear Banana,

How was your Christmas? Mine was pretty sad. Your grandma human gave me some treats. That was nice. But something horrible happened.

I think it's important to know that one of my favorite things is sitting in strange boxes. My person will bring home a box and it takes me about ten seconds to get in the box. It's great. Well, our people have started laughing when I do this, pretending to make me talk and say "If I fits, I sits!" They're not very creative, so I think that's probably something they got off the internet.

Two days before Christmas, some people showed up at my house. And they stayed. For days. Nobody even asked me if it was okay. At first, it was pretty cool. They're nice people and they petted me a lot. I slept with them. "Mom" gave me canned food, which was awesome. The second day, however, things went horribly, horribly wrong. The people left for a little bit and then returned...with their cats. Cranberry and Quince. Cranberry's all right. She's tiny and skittish and was respectful of my space. Quince however... Quince just hopped up on my couch and snarled and hissed at me. The entire time. And demanded the attention of everyone else. In my house! What does she think she is, a dog?! That jerk.

"Mom" brought Cranberry and Quince's litter box over. Quince continued to be rude and trying to claim my space as her own. You're going to come into my house and be rude to me? I don't think so. So I taught them all a lesson. I walked right up to their litter box, hopped and showed them all that if I fits, I shits.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Peach