The End All Jerk Move

Happy Stupid Human Holiday!

Ah, winter. The time of year when we all sleep 22 hours a day instead of our usual 18. While it's lovely, this doesn't leave us much time for being as jerky as we can be. We still engage in our food stealing fun and running up and down the hall at full speed while the humans are trying to sleep, but other than discovering that the female human gets annoyed when Peach tries to share her pillow (because humans are selfish), we really haven't done anything terribly exciting. So we don't really have much fodder for a newsletter right now. But we do have something important that we wish to discuss with our beautiful, furry friends.

The humans have another stupid, senseless holiday coming up. Something about some saint who defied laws and performed weddings, making people so angry that he was eventually murdered has led to humans celebrating the day of that saint's death. This celebration manifests as expressions of love in the form of pieces of paper with women's butts drawn all over them - the humans pretend that these are hearts, but come on. Have you seen what a human heart looks like? We have, because Tom is spending his two daily waking hours attempting to figure out how to acquire and eat one. These pieces of paper are fun to knock off of the table or the mantel where they are displayed, but lose their appeal almost immediately afterwards. Other common Stupid Human Holiday gifts include fancy meals, chocolates, and plants. While we here at Jerk Tips for Cats tend to advocate eating everything you see, we would like to issue some words of caution regarding Stupid Human Holiday rituals.

Chocolate is toxic to cats. This is extremely unfortunate, because humans always seem to enjoy eating it, and things humans enjoy eating are the best things to steal. However, we strongly encourage our readers to refrain from stealing this particular food. Remember to watch out for any dogs in your household, too. We know, we know, we're not supposed to like the dogs, but you all know you enjoy messing with the dogs and would miss them if anything ever happened to them. Since fancy dinners are also a common ritual for celebrating Stupid Human Holiday, we'd like to take this opportunity to remind you of other foods that can be harmful to cats (and often dogs), and that you should never steal. 

• Milk - Yes, we know the rumors. "Cats love milk!" And we do. It's delicious. It comes out of a cow, for heaven's sake!! But milk can upset feline tummies, and while humans have great reactions when you barf on their prized possessions, it doesn't feel good.
• Onions
• Garlic
• Grapes, raisins, and currants
• Alcohol - Sorry, kittens, this includes the bubbly and fun-looking champagne.
• Bones - They look and smell delicious and have little bits of meat left on them, but small bones or even pieces of larger ones can get caught in our throats and make us choke, or can tear our tummies as we digest.
• Coffee/tea/other items containing caffeine
• Fat trimmings
• Macademia Nuts
• Moldy or Spoiled foods - Remember this in the days following Stupid Human Holiday. When that chicken starts to go bed and gets really smelly, and the humans decide to throw it out, don't steal it from the trash. When food starts to spoil, it releases toxins.
• Mushrooms
• Raw eggs or meat - You know how humans can get really sick from bacteria that might be in raw eggs or raw meat? The same bacteria can make cats just as sick.
• Rhubarb, especially leaves
• Yeast dough

While not food, you should also be careful to never steal tobacco or marijuana from your humans, as these can both be harmful. If your human smokes either substance, do not allow them to pet you until they have washed their hands. You don't want that residue getting in your fur, which you then lick for cleaning yourself. Also remember: string and ribbons used to tie up presents look like fun to play with, but they are not safe to eat. If you play with a ribbon or string and accidentally swallow it, it can get stuck in your belly and make you really sick.

Stupid Human Holiday also involves the giving of plants. While traditional "Valentine's Day" plants are not as dangerous as traditional Christmas plants, we would like to remind you that many plants are dangerous, especially lilies. Even roses, which are delicious, can cause cats to get sick to their stomachs, and those little pointy thorns that just look like wonderful challenges can hurt our mouths, paws, or insides if swallowed. To be safe, just don't eat plants that one silly human gives another.

If you forget that any of these items are dangerous, alert your human. They can call Animal Poison Control at (888) 426-4435 to determine how to best help you. They may have to take you the vet, but it's all part of serving you and keeping you safe. Bonus: they'll feel so sorry for you for having to go to the vet that you'll get all sorts of pets and cuddles!

Stay safe this Stupid Human Holiday and don't forget: just because the food may be dangerous to steal doesn't mean you can't jump up on the table during the humans' romantic dinner and cough up a hairball.

Human Female's Story

Sorry, readers, it's been a busy month! We have not yet had an opportunity to compose our January newsletter. However, we've decided that sharing an old blog post from the female human would amuse you all. This story occurred back in the good old days, when all three of us cats were happily living separately, having the full attention of our humans. Fair warning, the very end does contain some rough language.

Enjoy!

Sadly, the following is a completely true story. There is genuinely no hyperbole involved.

Quick backstory: My dog likes cats. My dog really likes cats. Like, will sit at the door and whine if he hears a cat meowing outside because he wants to bring it inside and cuddle with it. My dog, by the way, is a St. Bernard.

Proper Story:

I came home from work one night, ran upstairs and got my dog to take him out for a walk. As we're coming back up on the entrance of my apartment building, I see a long, skinny as all get-out, pure white cat sitting outside my downstairs neighbor's window. My dog, who we'll call Lenny, because if people get fake names, he can too, runs at this cat. Cat doesn't respond at all. Lenny literally licks the cat's back. Cat doesn't respond at all. And then the most ri-frakkin-diculous thing I've ever seen happened. LENNY PICKED THIS STRANGE CAT UP IN HIS MOUTH. Like a mama cat, by the scruff of the neck. CAT DIDN'T RESPOND AT ALL. My dog has this strange cat slightly off the ground, and the cat is still just chilling, like it's still sitting undisturbed on the ground. After some sharp scolding, Lenny puts the cat down, but starts whining. Not like one sad little whimper. Like, eardrum shattering, devastated whining. If he could say words, they would have been, "But Mom! Kitty! Look at the kitty! Kitty is so skinny! He needs a home! Let's take him home! PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM!" I unlock the door, drag my enormous dog to the door, get him halfway in, and he stops. While he's stopped, with the door propped open by his giant frame, the strange cat ran past his legs and into the building. Flipping brilliant. 

I try to catch the cat, but Lenny is going buck nuts, chasing this cat up and down the halls. Need I remind you, readers, this is still a St. Bernard, crashing down the halls of an apartment building at 12:30 a.m. I decide my best option is to wrangle the dog and get him into my apartment. As I'm running up the stairs with the dog, the cat is running back and forth on the floor beneath mine. Lenny is trying to break away to go play with the cat. I get my apartment door open and shove Lenny inside, as my own cat, Banana, bolts out the door, into the common hallway. So I scream, "Nononononono!" and chase after her. Banana gets to the top of the stairs, and I hear this super loud, long, drawn out "MMMRRRRRRRRRREOOOOOOOOOW!" Banana is terrified and turns around and runs back to me. I grab her, get my apartment door open, block the dog from getting out with my own body, all but chuck Banana inside, and then a white blur streaks between my legs, and into my apartment. Lenny starts jumping up and down, again virtually screaming "Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!" Seriously. Jumping straight up and down. So, White Cat is terrified and makes a beeline for under my sofa. Lenny takes off after him and tries to get under the sofa with White Cat. WC is totally fine with this. "Giant dog? Whatever!" However, Banana is unhappy. She's growling and hissing and approaching WC. I have no idea what the deal is with the random cat and I don't want my cat anywhere near him, fearing he'll bit her and give her some horrible disease. So I jump in between them, which scares WC, who bolts from under the sofa, jumps on my end table and jumps on the back of the sofa, and runs across the back of the sofa. At this point, I grab WC from the back of my sofa, grab my keys and run out the door.

White Cat starts out totally fine with the fact that he's in my arms and being run down the stairs, but around the first landing begins to wig out and start squirming. He jumps from my arms and runs back up the damn stairs! Thus starts Benny Hill, Round Zillion. I run up the stairs, WC freaks out, runs across the hall, and runs down the back stair case. At this point, I'm thinking about just leaving it in the building, but figure my neighbors are already pissed. Then, Lenny starts barking. Loudly. Because, y'know, St. Bernard. Lenny is barking and jumping against the door. WC is scream-meowing in the hall. It's a lovely cacophony of BARKBARKBARKBARK SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! MRRRREOOOOW! BARKBARKBARK! SLAM! MREOW! SLAM! BARK! I recapture WC and successfully get him outside. I get back to my apartment and Lenny and Banana are just chilling on the couch, like nothing ever happened. Right now, Lenny's sleeping on the floor, dream running and Banana is chasing a bottle cap. 

The kicker is, I was on the phone with El Zacho (of http://zachsamazingwebsite.blogspot.com/ fame) the entire time. His experience through this was "Lenny. Lenny! Lenny! NO! Lenny, come on. Come on! Inside! GODDAMMIT, NO! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! Come here! Come here! Get back here! LENNY! Get inside! Get inside! INSIDE! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! NONONONO! NONONONONO! Come back come back come back!" MRRRRRREOOOOOOW! "BANANA! Get in there! No! Stay in there! Fuckity fuck fuck, not you! Get out! Oh God no!" MRRRREOOOOOOW! BARK! BARKBARKBARK! Bang bang bang! HSSSSSSS!