Happy Stupid Human Holiday!

Ah, winter. The time of year when we all sleep 22 hours a day instead of our usual 18. While it's lovely, this doesn't leave us much time for being as jerky as we can be. We still engage in our food stealing fun and running up and down the hall at full speed while the humans are trying to sleep, but other than discovering that the female human gets annoyed when Peach tries to share her pillow (because humans are selfish), we really haven't done anything terribly exciting. So we don't really have much fodder for a newsletter right now. But we do have something important that we wish to discuss with our beautiful, furry friends.

The humans have another stupid, senseless holiday coming up. Something about some saint who defied laws and performed weddings, making people so angry that he was eventually murdered has led to humans celebrating the day of that saint's death. This celebration manifests as expressions of love in the form of pieces of paper with women's butts drawn all over them - the humans pretend that these are hearts, but come on. Have you seen what a human heart looks like? We have, because Tom is spending his two daily waking hours attempting to figure out how to acquire and eat one. These pieces of paper are fun to knock off of the table or the mantel where they are displayed, but lose their appeal almost immediately afterwards. Other common Stupid Human Holiday gifts include fancy meals, chocolates, and plants. While we here at Jerk Tips for Cats tend to advocate eating everything you see, we would like to issue some words of caution regarding Stupid Human Holiday rituals.

Chocolate is toxic to cats. This is extremely unfortunate, because humans always seem to enjoy eating it, and things humans enjoy eating are the best things to steal. However, we strongly encourage our readers to refrain from stealing this particular food. Remember to watch out for any dogs in your household, too. We know, we know, we're not supposed to like the dogs, but you all know you enjoy messing with the dogs and would miss them if anything ever happened to them. Since fancy dinners are also a common ritual for celebrating Stupid Human Holiday, we'd like to take this opportunity to remind you of other foods that can be harmful to cats (and often dogs), and that you should never steal. 

• Milk - Yes, we know the rumors. "Cats love milk!" And we do. It's delicious. It comes out of a cow, for heaven's sake!! But milk can upset feline tummies, and while humans have great reactions when you barf on their prized possessions, it doesn't feel good.
• Onions
• Garlic
• Grapes, raisins, and currants
• Alcohol - Sorry, kittens, this includes the bubbly and fun-looking champagne.
• Bones - They look and smell delicious and have little bits of meat left on them, but small bones or even pieces of larger ones can get caught in our throats and make us choke, or can tear our tummies as we digest.
• Coffee/tea/other items containing caffeine
• Fat trimmings
• Macademia Nuts
• Moldy or Spoiled foods - Remember this in the days following Stupid Human Holiday. When that chicken starts to go bed and gets really smelly, and the humans decide to throw it out, don't steal it from the trash. When food starts to spoil, it releases toxins.
• Mushrooms
• Raw eggs or meat - You know how humans can get really sick from bacteria that might be in raw eggs or raw meat? The same bacteria can make cats just as sick.
• Rhubarb, especially leaves
• Yeast dough

While not food, you should also be careful to never steal tobacco or marijuana from your humans, as these can both be harmful. If your human smokes either substance, do not allow them to pet you until they have washed their hands. You don't want that residue getting in your fur, which you then lick for cleaning yourself. Also remember: string and ribbons used to tie up presents look like fun to play with, but they are not safe to eat. If you play with a ribbon or string and accidentally swallow it, it can get stuck in your belly and make you really sick.

Stupid Human Holiday also involves the giving of plants. While traditional "Valentine's Day" plants are not as dangerous as traditional Christmas plants, we would like to remind you that many plants are dangerous, especially lilies. Even roses, which are delicious, can cause cats to get sick to their stomachs, and those little pointy thorns that just look like wonderful challenges can hurt our mouths, paws, or insides if swallowed. To be safe, just don't eat plants that one silly human gives another.

If you forget that any of these items are dangerous, alert your human. They can call Animal Poison Control at (888) 426-4435 to determine how to best help you. They may have to take you the vet, but it's all part of serving you and keeping you safe. Bonus: they'll feel so sorry for you for having to go to the vet that you'll get all sorts of pets and cuddles!

Stay safe this Stupid Human Holiday and don't forget: just because the food may be dangerous to steal doesn't mean you can't jump up on the table during the humans' romantic dinner and cough up a hairball.