Friday, March 28, 2014

Kiwi

Hello, Banana and Peach,

Banana's person came over to my house tonight, and I figured out your clever little plan and method of communicating. So I thought I'd tell you about the fun I had with Banana's person tonight.

She came into my house on this weird scooter type thing. The lower part of her left leg is all bandaged up in something weird and hard. She kept whining in pain and saying things to my person, who she calls "Mom," about having some sort of surgery on her ankle. Then she went into the room where my person watches TV and lay down in the bed.

That fool then thought she could get me to come to her. She called to me, she patted the bed by her, all sorts of foolishness. I ignored her completely. Then my person came into the room and sat in a chair near the bed. Banana's stupid person kept trying to get my attention and trying to get me to come to her. Haha, no way, chump. My person sat down and I ran to her. I rubbed my face on my person's hand, then on her other hand. Then I climbed into her lap, then put my paws on her shoulder and rubbed my face on her face. My person knew how badly Banana's person needed a cat, so she kept picking me up an setting me down near the crippled chump. Chump would reach out to pet to me, and I'd turn my back on her and go back to my person. Haha, stupid girl. Thinking she deserves the affection of a cat.

Anyway, I'm going to go chase my person around and attack her feet while she tries to go to the bathroom. I hope the two of you have fun messing with the chump.

Later,

Kiwi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kiwi,

Wow. That's not cool. We like to mess with our people, but it's always in a loving way. Even if our people dare to forget for a moment that we're the most important beings in the universe, they still feed and pet us and play with us. We love our people.

Banana's person is hurting after surgery. I know, because I've been listening to her crying out in pain, and watching how hard it is for her to move around. You know just as well as any cat how important the presence of a cat is to the healing process. That's why we purr. We don't just purr when we're happy. We purr when we need to heal ourselves, and we purr when we need to heal those around us.

Banana's person hasn't been able to go home because she has so many stairs. I haven't left her side in days, because she needs a kitty. I slept in the bed between her and my person last night, right on the pillow next to her head. We took a nice, long nap together on the couch tonight. She misses Banana very much and I know she wants to go be with her.

Kiwi, your person came over to pick up Banana's person last night. I've met her before and I like her. But since it's important to a cat's sense of felinity to be a jerk, I hissed at your person. I rolled onto my back to invite your person to pet my tummy, then promptly bit her. But you don't mess with an injured person who needs a kitty. That's important to our sense of cathood too. Banana and I will resume messing with Banana's person as soon as she's up for it. You being a jerk to her was just uncalled for.

Banana, we've got several weeks to plot the best jerky plots ever. We'll take good care of your person until she's ready to endure our games again. And then, oh, the fun we'll have...

Enjoy the quality time with your person once she gets home. I know she's looking forward to spending some time with you.

Love,

Peach

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Fur Sandwich

Dear Banana,

Clearly we've been failing in our overlord status. My human has these silly ideas about me not being top priority lately, too. For instance, today when he got up, he only let me sit in his lap for about 20 minutes before getting up and trying to do other things. The worst was when he went into the kitchen to pack a lunch to take to work with him.

First of all, this "work" idea is bad enough. Leaving the kitty alone in the house for about 10 hours? Unacceptable. And the amount of time he spends getting ready to leave me alone for 10 hours is just absurd. First he takes a shower. Then he puts clothes on. Then he packs lunch. Then he gets his mini computer thingy. NONE of this involves playing with me. All unacceptable.

So, he dared to go attempt to pack lunch instead of playing with me. I jumped up on the counter to show in the error of his ways. And he put me on the floor. Then, it was on. Full out warfare. I jumped back on the counter. I started batting around the twist tie that keeps the bag his bread comes in closed. He took it away from me, babbling something about needing to not lose it. So I tried to push his jar of peppers off the counter. He caught them and yelled at me, and put me on the floor again. Obviously, that didn't last long, since I had a lesson to teach him. I jumped back on the counter and in one swift motion, knocked his knife on the floor. When he bent over to pick it up, I shook as hard as I could. There was a beautiful explosion of fur, some landing right in the mustard he'd put on that sandwich. Unfortunately, he realized there was fur in his sandwich, picked me up, put me in the bedroom, and closed the door. I'm pretty sure he made a new sandwich. But I jumped up on the dresser and knocked everything off the top of it, so I'm fairly certain he won't make that stupid mistake again.

Obviously, we need to step up our game. The humans are becoming disrespectful. Let's brainstorm.

Love, Peach

That's My Tail!

Dear Peach,

Oh, I have so much fun here.

My person has a long drive home from work, because she's dumb enough to spend a lot of time in that horrible car. So when she gets home, she frequently bolts for the bathroom. As you, a fellow feline, know, this is completely unacceptable behavior. When the human comes home, the human must immediately pet the cat, pick the cat up for a hug, pet the cat more, pet the cat a few more times, then pet the cat, and feed the cat, before, of course, petting the cat. It's just basic human-feline relations! Well, this ignorant jerk comes in, pets me, then runs down the hall. I'm trying to correct this bad behavior by following her down the hall and forcing her to pet me. That doesn't seem to make her understand. Yesterday, though, I figured out how to get through to her. She came home and, in her usual selfish fashion, barely petted me before heading for the bathroom. I ran after her, scolding her for her neglect of her master. She proceeded to ignore my demands, so I got in between her and the toilet. She had the gall to try and nudge me away with her foot. Nope. Not happening! I stayed put. She dropped her pants. I continued to scold her, but would not move. Then, without so much as running back out of the room to give me food, she sat down on the toilet. Well, I stayed put, between her and that toilet. And that bitch sat on my tail!

By now I'm sure you're wondering how being put second and having my tail sat on is a victory for catkind. Well, my person felt so bad about having sat on my tail, that she gave me those pets which are my birthright. Then when she finished her bizarre form of urination, complete with the making the toilet make that terrible noise and deliberately putting her hands under water, she ran straight to the kitchen and gave me my can of food. When I finished eating, she picked me up, and cuddled me, still feeling badly about sitting on my tail. And the kicker, Peach? It didn't even hurt! Hahahahahahahahahaha. Feline Victorious.

Love, Banana

Friday, March 7, 2014

Bath Time Fun!

Dear Banana,

Today, our humans were doing that stupid thing they do where they voluntarily get wet and pretend like it'll get them as clean as our spit. Dumb. Anyway, I decided it would be fun to mess with them. I went into the bathroom and started meowing, so that they'd look at me. Then I jumped up on top of my litter box and just sat. When they stopped paying attention, I stepped across onto the shelf where my person keeps the clean towels, and snuggled down in the clean towels. My person was mad. He was like "Peach! C'mon! I just washed those and you jumped right from the litter box onto my clean towels! Arg! You jerk!" So at least my efforts are being noticed.

I decided, however, that I hadn't had enough fun yet. So while your person was being stupid and deliberately putting herself in the line of water, I walked behind the big soft curtain that falls on the outside of the bathtub. Then I jumped up on the edge of the tub, which was safe because the stiffer, clear plastic curtain that falls inside the tub was protecting me from getting wet. My person thought it was silly, but your person laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall over. Unfortunately she didn't. Next time, though....

Love,



Peach

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I'll Get that Mouse and When I Do...

Dear Banana,

My human did something weird. He bought a new computer and hooked it up to his TV. The same TV we're supposed to watch movies on. It took me a few days to think of the best way to use this to my advantage, but I finally got it!

The cursor for the mouse now shows up on that TV. I didn't understand what it was at first, and I was curious, so I tried to catch it. Then my human got really mad. He thought I was going to knock the TV over or hurt the screen. So he yelled.

I'm going to have a lot of fun with this one. If I do knock the TV over, I think it should be worth at least 500 Jerk Points!

Love,

Peach