Dear Peach,
I just bit my person. It was pretty funny. I recommend you try it.
Love,
Banana
50 Jerk Points Awarded
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Dear Banana,
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, that was fun. She was petting my tummy, and I saw the perfect opportunity. I don't have my claws anymore, so I couldn't get a good hold on her, but I grabbed her hand with my paws, and sank my teeth in. I left some marks on her hand. It was pretty funny. Good idea.
Love,
Peach
100 Jerk Points Awarded
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Dear Peach,
I think it's time for a contest. Let's see who can hurt her worse.
Love, Banana
5 Jerk Points Awarded
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Dear Banana,
Sounds fun! I tackled her ankle while she was walking to the bathroom. That was pretty funny. She was kind of upset.
Love,
Peach
50 Jerk Points Awarded
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Peach,
I regret to inform you that I have likely won this contest forever.
My stupid person came home and had the gall to try to change her clothes before feeding me. So, I followed her to the bedroom, screaming. I screamed while she took off her clothes. I screamed while she put pants on. She got annoyed before putting on a shirt and went to the kitchen to give me food. Took her long enough, since that's her primary function in life. She gives me my food on the counter in the kitchen because that dog likes to take my food. Sometimes, I think it's funny to pretend I can't find my food. It's a good ploy to get picked up so I don't have to jump, even though I'm totally capable of doing so. Well, that chump put my food on the counter and I continued to scream and act confused. So she picked me up. I scratched her so hard I almost feel bad about it. I left a gash right now her right breast. At first I thought it was just a little scratch that was bleeding a lot, but after she washed it, I could tell I'd really hurt her. I left a four inch long gash. It goes right through her areola. I almost hit her nipple. So I didn't quite get a thousand points, but I think it's worth at least 900 points, right?
I almost feel bad about this. It does look like it hurts a lot. But then she took that dog for a walk and didn't take me with her, so I stole the ribbon she was using for wrapping Christmas presents. Maybe some day she'll learn...
Love,
Banana
900 Jerk Points Awarded
Final Scoreboard
Peach: 150 Jerk Points
Banana: 955 Jerk Points
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Phone Call
Banana: Peach! Peach, are you there!
Peach: I am! If only our silly people would stop their talking, I could hear you better!
Banana: I know! How selfish are they?! My person should just set her phone on the counter and walk away and let us talk!
Peach: It's okay. We'll just be louder!
Banana: SOUNDS GOOD! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, PEACH! I'M ADORABLE! I'M MEOWING AS LOUD AS I CAN! I'VE RUBBED UP AGAINST HER LEG DOZENS OF TIMES! I EVEN FELL OFF THE SOFA EARLIER! AND SHE STILL HASN'T GIVEN ME A CAN OF FOOD FOR 2 HOURS! SHE JUST KEEPS PETTING ME AND NUDGING ME TOWARDS MY STUPID, HEALTHY DRY FOOD!
Peach: WHAT A JERK! BITE HER!
Banana: OOOH! GOOD PLAN!
Woman: Ow! What the heck, Banana?!
Peach: Mwahahahahaha. Now find a way to break your collar off then run and hide.
Banana: Why?
Peach: Why do we do anything? We can!
Banana: Yes!
Peach: Do it now! While her back's turned!
Banana: Brilliant! Later, Peach!
*snap* *running sounds*
Peach: Mwahahahahaha. Now find a way to break your collar off then run and hide.
Banana: Why?
Peach: Why do we do anything? We can!
Banana: Yes!
Peach: Do it now! While her back's turned!
Banana: Brilliant! Later, Peach!
*snap* *running sounds*
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Munchin' on Some Hair
Dear Peach,
That litter box thing is hilarious. Good work with that! I can just picture your person, shaking his fist: "Peach! Blah blah blah!" Funny, funny stuff.
One of my favorite things to do is to chew on my person's hair. It tastes pretty bad, because, you know, it's human hair. I mean, at least cat hair tastes decent. Before I started chewing on her hair, I thought it was really weird that she poured water on her head to clean her hair, but after tasting it, I get why she doesn't lick herself clean. But it's worth it, because she gets so mad. For instance, she sits on the couch and writes on that stupid clicky box that takes attention away from me (I think she calls it the computer, but she also calls it a laptop, which is just wrong. Only I belong on top of her lap). I'll jump up on the back of the couch and grab a chunk of her hair in my mouth and just pull on it. She'll grab me and put me on the floor. I just keep doing it until she gives up and holds me, which is what she should be doing anyway. I've recently started chewing on her hair when she tries to sleep. That's even funnier. She gets really mad when I wake her up. And as a bonus, she'll give up, grab me, put me under the blankets, and hug me really tight. She's so stupid; she has no idea that I'm getting exactly what I want. People are so easy to trick!
Banana
Dear Banana,
I love hair chewing! My person has a beard! Next time you see him, you should climb up on his chest and take a bite of beard! It tastes a little better than regular human hair and he gets really mad. He yells "Ow!" a lot and tries to put me on the floor. Silly humans.
Peach
That litter box thing is hilarious. Good work with that! I can just picture your person, shaking his fist: "Peach! Blah blah blah!" Funny, funny stuff.
One of my favorite things to do is to chew on my person's hair. It tastes pretty bad, because, you know, it's human hair. I mean, at least cat hair tastes decent. Before I started chewing on her hair, I thought it was really weird that she poured water on her head to clean her hair, but after tasting it, I get why she doesn't lick herself clean. But it's worth it, because she gets so mad. For instance, she sits on the couch and writes on that stupid clicky box that takes attention away from me (I think she calls it the computer, but she also calls it a laptop, which is just wrong. Only I belong on top of her lap). I'll jump up on the back of the couch and grab a chunk of her hair in my mouth and just pull on it. She'll grab me and put me on the floor. I just keep doing it until she gives up and holds me, which is what she should be doing anyway. I've recently started chewing on her hair when she tries to sleep. That's even funnier. She gets really mad when I wake her up. And as a bonus, she'll give up, grab me, put me under the blankets, and hug me really tight. She's so stupid; she has no idea that I'm getting exactly what I want. People are so easy to trick!
Banana
Dear Banana,
I love hair chewing! My person has a beard! Next time you see him, you should climb up on his chest and take a bite of beard! It tastes a little better than regular human hair and he gets really mad. He yells "Ow!" a lot and tries to put me on the floor. Silly humans.
Peach
Peeing in the Litter Box is for Chumps
Dear Banana,
The funniest thing happened today! Oh, man, was it great! My person came home from work and went into the bathroom. He sat down on the weird thing that has water and makes noise - I think they call it a turlet. I wanted to show him how stupid that turlet is and how much more sense the litter box makes. I mean, it's warm, it's soft, it doesn't make a lot of noise, and best of all, no water! So, I stepped into my box and started to pee, but then I had an idea of something hilarious to do. I lifted up my butt and sent my spray of urine all over the bathroom floor! My person was so mad! That weird turlet thing had him trapped somehow, so he was just sitting there screaming at me, but couldn't actually do anythin. "Peach! No! Stop peeing on the floor!" Before he got up, I was long gone! It was great! You should try it!
By the way, I found one of your whiskers in the computer bag. I meant to leave it for you, but it was the perfect size to bat around while confusing my person, since he couldn't see what I was playing with. It's a great toy, but I'll send it back next time if you want.
Peach
The funniest thing happened today! Oh, man, was it great! My person came home from work and went into the bathroom. He sat down on the weird thing that has water and makes noise - I think they call it a turlet. I wanted to show him how stupid that turlet is and how much more sense the litter box makes. I mean, it's warm, it's soft, it doesn't make a lot of noise, and best of all, no water! So, I stepped into my box and started to pee, but then I had an idea of something hilarious to do. I lifted up my butt and sent my spray of urine all over the bathroom floor! My person was so mad! That weird turlet thing had him trapped somehow, so he was just sitting there screaming at me, but couldn't actually do anythin. "Peach! No! Stop peeing on the floor!" Before he got up, I was long gone! It was great! You should try it!
By the way, I found one of your whiskers in the computer bag. I meant to leave it for you, but it was the perfect size to bat around while confusing my person, since he couldn't see what I was playing with. It's a great toy, but I'll send it back next time if you want.
Peach
No Paper Towels? Time to Vomit!
Dear Peach,
My human came home tonight and lamented that she forgot to purchase paper towels but she could probably do without any until tomorrow. I promptly vomited all over the floor. Hahahahahahaha.
Banana
My human came home tonight and lamented that she forgot to purchase paper towels but she could probably do without any until tomorrow. I promptly vomited all over the floor. Hahahahahahaha.
Banana
It Begins...
Day One
I don't know your name, but I liked your message. I think it is very funny the way you run out of your person's home and make her chase you down the stairs. I think you and I have a lot to learn from each other. I like to poop on the floor when I don't get the attention I deserve. That makes my person really mad. It makes me laugh. I mean, as much as I can. I don't think the people recognize it as a laugh. That makes it even more fun for me, because those idiots have no idea what's going on. Hahahahahaha.
Love, Peach the Cat
Day Two
Peach,
You can call me Banana. Your idea of pooping on the floor is quite funny. I'll have to try that some time. It was quite clever of you to jump in my person's laptop bag and leave me that message via pheromones. I didn't know that we could communicate such complex, intangible ideas in such a way! One of the things I like to do is scream. I just follow my person around her apartment, screaming. She thinks I'm trying to communicate that I want food, which I do. Food is good. But really, I just like to scream because it's fun. That might be another way we can communicate. When my person calls your person and they do that annoying thing where they both make their talking devices loud and talk at it without picking it up (I think I've heard your person ask if mine is using a "Speaker phone" or something like that), we can talk that way too. Even if we don't communicate that way, I highly recommend screaming at your person. All the time.
AUGH!
Banana Cat
Day Three
Ring
Man: Hello, sweetie!
Woman: Hi, honey.
Peach: MEOW!
Banana: MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
Peach: MEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Banana: MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! MEOW!
Woman: I swear they're talking to each other....
I don't know your name, but I liked your message. I think it is very funny the way you run out of your person's home and make her chase you down the stairs. I think you and I have a lot to learn from each other. I like to poop on the floor when I don't get the attention I deserve. That makes my person really mad. It makes me laugh. I mean, as much as I can. I don't think the people recognize it as a laugh. That makes it even more fun for me, because those idiots have no idea what's going on. Hahahahahaha.
Love, Peach the Cat
Day Two
Peach,
You can call me Banana. Your idea of pooping on the floor is quite funny. I'll have to try that some time. It was quite clever of you to jump in my person's laptop bag and leave me that message via pheromones. I didn't know that we could communicate such complex, intangible ideas in such a way! One of the things I like to do is scream. I just follow my person around her apartment, screaming. She thinks I'm trying to communicate that I want food, which I do. Food is good. But really, I just like to scream because it's fun. That might be another way we can communicate. When my person calls your person and they do that annoying thing where they both make their talking devices loud and talk at it without picking it up (I think I've heard your person ask if mine is using a "Speaker phone" or something like that), we can talk that way too. Even if we don't communicate that way, I highly recommend screaming at your person. All the time.
AUGH!
Banana Cat
Day Three
Ring
Man: Hello, sweetie!
Woman: Hi, honey.
Peach: MEOW!
Banana: MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
Peach: MEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Banana: MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! MEOW!
Woman: I swear they're talking to each other....
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