HALF a Can? Screw You!

MC: Female human came home with food for herself. She is smart enough to know she needs to feed us first. However, she and the male human have come up with this stupid idea that we each only get half of a can. HALF of a can. HALF! Well, I showed her. I gulped my half can down, then pushed Banana away from her half can and ate that. Then I shoved Peach away from hers and finished it, too. Then, just to really drive the message home, I stuck my face in her dinner. Half a can. She better not do anything that stupid again, or I'll eat through her refrigerator!

Peach: Yeah, about this eating my food thing...Watch out, jerk. I know where you sleep.

Banana: And don't forget, MC, only one of us has all of their claws. And it ain't you.

Greetings from MC

MC My roommates, Peach and Banana, think they're very clever and secretive when they discuss sharing their Jerk Tips throughout the world. Well, obviously, they're wrong, I wouldn't know how to come here and share my own Jerk Tips with you.

Today, my human - yes, that's right Banana and Peach, my human - came home with some fast food. She plopped down in our chair and turned on this cool sci-fi show we like to watch together. I hopped up in her lap and sat with her while she ate. When she finished eating, I decided to see if there was anything left over in her bag. I stretched my body out so that my back legs stayed in her lap and my front legs went on her table. I felt something cold on my side, and realized it was her soda. That's when I realized I could out-jerk the jerks. I pushed my body into that cup of soda and down it went! I did a real number on it, too. The lid broke in half, ice went flying across the room, the carpet was soaked. It was great. My person had to put me down, get off the phone, run for towels. She was so inconvenienced. It was hilarious.

Banana Oh, we have so much to teach you about being a jerk. So far, you suck at it.

Format Change

Greetings, loyal readers! Banana and Peach here. Due to a frustrating change in our living situation, it no longer makes sense for us to communicate through letters. So, in between fighting, attacking each other, eating food, breaking heirlooms, and keeping our humans awake, we discussed at length how we should continue to share our jerk tips with the world. Then our terrible new roommate, this obnoxious guy in a tuxedo our female human dotes on constantly, made a suggestion: Message board! So, apparently he is good for something. On that note, let the messages begin!

Peach I recently got this new roommate; another cat, MC. He sucks. He thinks he sooooo cute and so sweet. And he has my people totally fooled. I'll go into the living room for a cuddle, and this punk MC will already be in my woman's lap. I'll go to sneak into bed with my people to demand they get up and give me attention, MC's already there, snuggled in between them. Like I said, he sucks. So the other night, I had a great idea. I wanted to have a snuggle with my people, so I went to them. They were both in the office and there was that stupid MC, just sitting in the room with them! I went into the room with them, walked past MC, and lay down. Then, without giving him any warning or even announcing my presence to him, I bit his tail. The yowl he gave was hilarious! And even better, he ran out of the room. Hahaha, what a chump.

The Soft Underbelly

Hey, Banana,

I see you over there. I see you. I'm just biding my time. You just hiss and snarl at me all you want. I'll get you in the end.

Sincerely,

Peach

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Dumb Peach,

No, you won't.

Sincerely, Banana

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Oh, Banana. Silly, silly Banana. You think turning your back and strutting out of the room will save you from my wrath? All you're doing is leaving yourself exposed. That's right....keep walking...keep walking...aaaaannnnndddd....NOW! CHARGE!

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God damn, you're dumb, Peach. Your response to me turning around and smacking you with my claws out is to flop over on your back? I'm ready to rip you open, and you expose your soft underbelly to me?? Really? You suck at catting. You're hardly a jerk at all!

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Oh yeah? I'll show you who's not a jerk!

Mwahahahaha.

Bow to your Queen. Peach isn't a Princess anymore!

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....Touché

Roommates

Roommates: A JTfC Play

Banana: Screw you!

Peach: No, screw you!

Banana: Cram it, you ginger whore!

Peach: Your mother's a ginger whore!

Banana: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Peach: Hiss!!!!

Female Human: Cats! Dinner!

Banana and Peach, in unison: CEASE FIRE!!!!

All goes well as the cats eat...until Peach looks at Banana...

Banana: Oi! Screw you!

Peach: Fatty!

Banana: Clawless wussbag!

Peach: Oh, yeah?! What are you gonna do about it?

Banana (extending claws): MROW!

Peach: Yuh-oh!

Peach flees.

Abu Dhabi

"Dear" Banana,

I was just snuggled up with my human, watching this old cartoon show about cats. It's called "Garfield and Friends." It was great. There was this awesome orange cat who got all of the love and food he could want. That awesome orange cat then got a visit from this horrible little jerky grey cat. The awesome cat was trying to enjoy his life, sleeping and eating. And the horrible grey cat kept popping up, being loud and obnoxious and irritating and disrupting the awesome cat's sleep. Then the awesome cat had a brilliant idea: He put the irritating grey cat in a box and shipped that horrible cat to Abu Dhabi.

I'm not relaying a story to you. Oh, no. I'm telling you that you better start learning Arabic!!

Looking forward to rooming with you :-D

Love, Peach

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Dear Peach,

Lalalala. I can't hear you! I'm busy being doted on by my human! I got a can of food, then a big hug, then lots of pets, then toys to play with, and now I'm in a lap. In fact, I'm rubbing my face all over her face right now. You ever notice all of that film on her glasses? That's my saliva, from rubbing the corner of my mouth on her glasses. And you know what I'm going to do when I live with both of our people? I'm going to get all of the pets and hugs, because your person always tells me how much softer my fur is than yours. 

Also, the dog is on my side. And I'd love to see how you plan on taping up a box with no thumbs!

Love, Banana

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Dear Banana,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just got in the litter box, but angled just right so I peed all over the floor! Hahaha, it was awesome!

Wait a minute. I'm still mad at you for being another cat trying to be in my space! Hiss!

Peach

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Dear Peach,

You know what's extra fun? Kick all of the litter out of your box. That way, it's an even bigger mess, and it'll take your person longer to realize it's urine on the floor. Haha, people are chumps.

Also: Rrrrawwwwrrr!

Banana

Ankle Braces are Tasty!

Dear Peach,

So, my human has gotten over this trying to balance on two sticks while walking nonsense. She's still using one, but it's not quite as stupid. However, there has been an awesome development! She got rid of that terrible, hard purple thing on her leg. Now she has this delightful, soft thing that has laces! Laces! Like on shoes! Peach, it is so much fun! She tries to get dressed to go to that dumb work place (Yeah, I thought I had finally convinced her to knock off that stupid hobby and just spend all of her time with me, too!), sits down on the couch to put this new toy on her ankle. It's the best game ever! I really like grabbing the laces as she tries to put the toy on her ankle. Great fun; I highly recommend it.

Enjoy!

Love, Banana

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Dear Banana,

Hahaha! Your person was over this weekend and I did have a chance to chew on that toy! You're right, it's great! I think you probably do better at conquering it because you have claws and I don't, but I loved it.

My person has been doing this crazy thing lately. He keeps bringing home empty cardboard boxes. At first, that was great. I got to play fort all the time! But now he's putting all of his stuff in these boxes. It's neat having extra shelf space to play on, but I'm really confused by it.

Whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Oooh, they're going to bed! I have to prepare for my favorite activity! Licking my person's arm as he's trying to fall asleep, then climbing over your person and stealing her pillow. Mwahahaha.

Love,

Peach

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Dear Peach,

My person is doing that silliness with boxes too. I don't think I like this...

Love,

Banana

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Banana,

WHAT THE DAMN HELL DO THEY MEAN WE'RE GOING TO BE ROOMMATES?!